The world hasn’t ended a couple of times now, but this time – Oct. 21 – could really be it, if Harold Camping's best-out-of-two-guessesis correct.
First off, you might be prepared for the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” but what you probably didn’t know is they were My Little Ponies of the Apocalypse.
Adult Swim has a hilarious cartoon of the “Apocalypse Ponies,” where “The four horsemen pay a visit to unruly children” in their family room. (Watch the video.)
It opens with Pestilence Pony — the pony of contagious disease.
“I’m Pestilence Pony! Hee hee hee!” the pony cries, circling around a little girl.
“I love you, Pestilence Pony! [cough cough]” the girl says, then waves goodbye.
He’s followed quickly by Famine Pony, who takes out a little boy eating chips, War Pony, who spits flames and sets the couch on fire as a child yells, “Yay, War Pony!” and … Death Pony, who has a deep bellowing I AM DEATH voice and proceeds to annihilate the whole family.
I think the real lesson here is — trust no one. Not even a cute little pony who comes with his own comb.
And, as we approach the end, you’ve got to ask yourself, are you prepared, son?
Well, thank your lucky series of tubes, there’s a ton of advice on the Internet. During our last dress rehearsal for THE END last October, we found an Internet search for “apocalypse” and “tips” turned up 1.6 million results. Today, there are more than 10 MILLION results. (Said with pinky to lip like Dr. Evil.)
Here’s some of our favorite advice:
There are priceless doom-lifting nuggets like “Get a dog” (Kurt Vonnegut) and “Brace yourself: The idiots are coming.”
And, there's the CDC'sZombie Apocalypse Survival Guide, which features some great advice like have an emergency kit with water, food, a copy of your driver's license and other supplies and sit down with your family and plan your evacuation route. Also, you shouldn't panic because "If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak."
Awesome. I totally feel better.
While we're hugging it out, the About.com Astrology section has 10 tips for the apocalypse, including "Do Your Own Dance" and "See It as a Time of Speedy Karma-Cleansing."
One of my favorites is a Mother Nature Network slideshow called “Top 10 ways to prepare for the total breakdown of society without looking like a (complete) lunatic.” The tips there include “Get solar panels” (it will help keep you powered to fight off the zombies and nuclear mutants) and “Get handy” (there won’t be a need for bloggers at the end, so brush up on your carpentry and farming skills).
Another good tip on that top 10 list — get to know your neighbors. In a crisis, food and supplies get tight and it’s animal instinct to take care of your family and friends first. Make sure you’re on the right side of that equation!
If you’re looking to put together an “Apocalypse Go Kit,” this list from Wired is a good place to start. It includes some obvious stuff, like a first-aid kit and water supply, but also some stuff you might not have thought of, like zip ties (good for making tourniquets) and a mylar space blanket (for keeping warm and keeping the sun from killing you).
I would add to that list a few items from ThinkGeek: The Nerf Vulcan Automatic Heavy Blaster (three words: screaming mini darts) as well as The Zombie Survival Guide and Astronaut Ice Cream.
Now that you’ve got your Apocalypse Go Kit, do you know where you and your new dog are going to go when the disaster sequence has been activated?
Mother Nature Network strikes again! Check out this list of “Best U.S. Places to Survive the Apocalypse,” including the Greenbrier luxury resort in White Sulphur Springs, W. Va., that has a “massive underground bunker," a former missile silo (operative word being former) or the Capitol Visitor Center in Washington, D.C.
I know, that last one surprised me, too. You’d think D.C. was the last place you’d want to be (Sorry, Mr. President) but apparently, the entire 580,000-square-foot visitor center is underground. They said it was so it wouldn't ruin the aesthetics of the Capitol, but I think you, me, and that guy we met on Chatroulette know that it was actually designed as a shelter for lawmakers in the event of an Armageddish incident.
Oh, also, you might want to call and see if they have any last-minute cancellations at the Porn Bunker for the Apocalypse.
Here’s some light reading for the end — Survivalblog.com — and when you have a few minutes, why don’t you knock a few off that Bucket List?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the cafeteria doing a dance and speed-cleansing my karma with a a giant tray of bacon.
It was nice knowing you!
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