Funny Business with Jane Wells

Valentine's Dos and Don'ts


Beer companies aren't known for being romantic. They're aimed at men, who are, generally, well, you know. Not romantic.

However, Heineken is giving romance a shot this Valentine's season with a campaign called "Serenade".

Last week the band who appears in Heineken ads performed live serenades for lovers who called in on Skype.

Sounds silly, but it was actually funny and sweet. I especially liked the French guy who wanted his girlfriend serenaded while living in another country (very French). After he answered a few questions about his lady love via Skype--as she listened--the band struck up a hilarious impromptu love song.

You can still have a loved one serenaded this week using the Heineken Serenade app on Facebook. You choose a friend or lover and answer a series of questions--things like "Why do you like so and so?" You can also suggest outings to go on, like "go surfing on lava," which doesn't sound romantic. After answering the questions, the band sends your special someone a pre-recorded song based on your answers. It's certainly more creative than the usual chocolates and flowers. (Not that I've got anything against chocolates and flowers, dear!)

Or, switch it up this year and buy your Valentine...a pizza.

Pizza Hut is selling a "Proposal Package" which includes a ruby ring (ruby? No diamond?), a limo ride, fireworks, flowers, videographer and photographer, plus the new Pizza Hut Dinner Box. Cost? $10,010. Your lover better realllllly like pizza. Only ten of the packages are available, and "Only one per customer." Oh, you'd better hurry. In case they run out...

Google tells me this Valentine's Day people are trying to save money with cheap, unique food gifts online. Searches for "chocolate bacon" are up almost 20 percent from a year ago, and searches for "cheese gifts" are up 50 percent. Over the last 30 days, searches for "heart-shaped pizza" have skyrocketed 5,000 percent.

Finally, even IF you're lucky enough to find a woman who loves to be serenaded by a beer company and proposed to over pizza or chocolate bacon, here's one gift you should NOT get her for V-Day...a bathroom scale. has released a survey of worst Valentine's Day gifts ever. They include the aforementioned scale ("Be My Valentine, after your stop eating chocolate"), but real life gifts have also included a pooper scooper, a dead butterfly mounted in a plastic case ("It was our second date," says the victim), an electric can opener, and a "pair of silk boxers that had someone else's name on the gift tag." It's gonna take a whole lotta Heineken to make that seem right. 

Slideshow: His and Hers Valentine's Gift Ideas