Funny Business with Jane Wells

Facebook's Miraculous Powers

Los Angeles, California

Have you heard that Facebook is going public with an IPO this week? It's going to do great things for all people.

It will make everything better, especially in California.

The latest state finance projections estimate that Facebook's IPO will add $14 billion to personal incomes in California just this year. That's up from $12 billion earlier this week. The IPO will account for 20 percent of all income growth in the state this year, and nearly one percent of all income, period.

The California Legislative Analyst's Office predicts shares will price at $38 and rise to $45 "in six months." Over the next few years, total IPO-related personal income and capital gains taxes will reach $2.4 billion without a proposed tax hike, $2.9 billion if voters give the tax hike a "like" in November.

The anticipated Facebook income taxes for 2012 alone are expected to equal the entire GDPs of the Maldives or Sierra Leone.

It's a miracle!

What other miracles will the Facebook IPO bring to California?

I'm predicting the following:

  • Facebook will clear the skies of smog, bring gas prices down below $3 a gallon, and provide free Botox to every Californian.
  • It will cure obesity.
  • It will allow both the Lakers and the Clippers to be NBA Champions.
  • It will teach people in L.A. how to drive in the rain.

I asked for more suggestions on Twitter. Here's what I got.

  • Facebook's IPO will allow California to exit the dollar and issue Facebook credits as its own currency. Instant AAA rating. (@IvanTheK)
  • IPO will finally wipe out Octomom's debt and pay her to go away. And pay Kim Kardashian to go away too. (@j2lovesfriday)
  • Ocean levels will recede. (@crankin1945)
  • The world's largest hoodie factory will be built employing the entire non FB employee population of CA. (@DarylT)
  • IPO will save the smelt! It will bring water to the valley, and farmers will never again experience drought. (@ggr1868)
  • Also the high speed rail will finally be done. (@jeremyhobson)
  • We will know who Khloe Kardashian's real father is. (@onetwoko)
  • IPO will allow state to widen 405 to 84 lanes in each direction (@ExCAGovMoonbeam)
  • The dmv process will be seamless and done through your FB profile page (@rewashednews)
  • IPO will bring credibility and ethics back to Goldman Sachs so we may continue God's work. (@goldmansachs666)
  • Hulk and Linda will remarry and live happily ever after. $FB (@MichaelCorneau)

It turns out that Facebook will also have a huge impact on the world of sports:

  • IPO will guarantee Tiger winning a PGA Major this year. (@TimBiegler)
  • Mark Z buys St. Louis Rams return them 2their rightful location as L.A. Rams &build new $1T Stadium. (@clintgoodrich)
  • Facebook IPO will bring an NFL football team to Los Angeles Stadium. The LA Friends. #facebookIPO (@joemattjoey)
  • The Raiders will win the Super Bowl. (@rajujassar)

And finally:

Albert Pujols will hit a home run. (@marinaro)

Well, let's not get carried away.

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