Funny Business with Jane Wells

Wall Street Holiday Cocktails: The Fiscal Snifter

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There's a nip in the air, and it's not just winter. It's the coming bite from higher capital gains taxes and other inevitable "punishments" for being successful.

So before we go off the "fiscal cliff," or before at least some taxes rise to avoid it, here are ways Wall Street is bracing for the new year. It's the annual list of finance-related cocktails created by Cognito, a financial marketing and PR firm. (Read More: Par-ty! Office Holiday Parties Are Back.)

The Goldman Schnapps—"The choice of Muppets everywhere," the Cognito team wrote. "This concoction is so delicious it'll make you want to write an op-ed about it."

The tasty little drink was inspired by Greg Smith's very public resignation from Goldman Sachs, where he claimed in a New York Times editorial that the firm mockingly called clients, "muppets".

Funny or Die did a hilarious parody, where the Muppets show up at Goldman with a cease and desist order. However, given the legal accusations this fall involving Elmo, I'm not sure the Muppets have a leg to stand on.

The Ryebor—"This whiskey cocktail is scandalously good and fixed just the way you like it! It's bound to pique your interest—or lower it, whichever you prefer."

This is apparently the cocktail of choice right now at UBS, where it's going to take a lot of whiskey to wash away the foul taste of a purported $450 million fine for the firm's alleged role in rigging the Libor. (Read More: UBS Near Settlement With US, UK Over Libor.)

The GupTanqueray—"The insiders drink of choice. The secrets of this delectable gin cocktail are only shared by a few, usually over cellphone." Kudos! Hard to fit Rajat Gupta's name into a cocktail, though it's easier than, say, the "Rajaratnamojito".

The Fiscal Snifter—"Brace yourself for the impending economic cataclysm with this invigorating cocktail mix. A 50/50 blend of equally astringent ingredients make for a much needed tonic in these tough times. (SERVE ICE WATER WITH LIME.)" Equally astringent ingredients? Like Thunderbird and Night Train? Lindsay Lohan and Honey Boo Boo?

This year the Cognito staff voted on which cocktails should make the list. Unfortunately, company President Dan Simon said worthy candidates which did not make the list include the "Screw-E3", the "Suckerberg" and "Harvey Whalebanger". (Read More: Outrageous Holiday Party Behavior.)

Surely we need more cocktails on this list. It's been quite a year. Here are a few of my suggestions:

The Appletini—Both shaken and stirred, violently, then downed quickly, like Apple stock.

The Two Percent Solution—This involves drinking all of your Macallan AND Glenlivet in one huge tumbler—all of it—before the government takes it to share with people who can only afford Cutty Sark.

The 47 Percent—Cutty Sark.

The Lowball—For those who bought Facebook shares at the IPO. It's like a highball, but without any alcohol. Just ginger ale. Not much to "like" about it.

—By CNBC's Jane Wells; Follow her on Twitter: @janewells