Funny Business with Jane Wells

Drink up, Wall Street! Time for a JPMor-garita

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It's been quite a year on Wall Street. New record highs, new record fines. Regardless, with the holidays approaching, we could all use a drink.

Once again, the folks at Wall Street consulting and PR firm Cognito has come up with their Financial Holiday Cocktail Menu. So what's on the menu? This year's treats include:

  • Mary Jo White Russian: A stiff prescription, feminine but also aggressive—serve with a dash of Triple SEC. (I say it must also come completely unadorned. No twists, olives or umbrellas.)

  • SAC Breeze: Don't settle for anything less.This mix of vodka, cranberry and grapefruit is delicious but could cost you $1.2 billion. (How about the JPMore-garita? It costs $13 billion and leaves top executives fresh without a hangover!)

  • The Smashtag: I.P.Oh so delicious. A potential volatile blend of 140 flavors—and a public favorite! (Serve for friends who, like Twitter, aren't profitable.)

  • The Debt Peeling: Laden with orange peels, this take on the Manhattan is guaranteed to raise the Roof but could bring down the House! (A nonalcoholic version is called the Ted Cruz.)

  • "Obamacared" for an additional treat: Just add to any order, and it comes on the rocks.

Wine Spectator's Number 1 wine of 2013

An excellent start! But folks on Twitter—perhaps drinking a #Smashtag—added a few ideas of their own.

(Read more: Beer in baggage claim tops off airport revenues)

  • The Tesla: A shot of fireball. (@willmeltron)

  • The Goldman Sach-e-bomb: You close your eyes, take a shot, and wake up next to Warren Buffett. (@CraigScott31)

  • The Obama Mind Eraser: A very strong drink which allows you to forget what you said. (@cmjones0207)

  • The Dirty Corzine: From various neighbors' liquor cabinets, get vodka, dry vermouth, and olive juice. Shake and serve with two subpoenas. (@LanceRancid)

  • The Bank Bail-out-Bomb: A drink which costs a trillion dollars, and you wake up broke, buck naked, and out of a job. (@106HDBadBoy)

(Read more: Whisky & wine may not be such liquid assets)

We received a slew of suggestions related to "the taper," which, unfortunately, has become a perennial favorite, because the anticipation of tapering has become, well, perennial.

  • The Taperhina: Takes forever to be served & keeps threatening to drop you on your a**, but you can magically just keep drinking.(@MBGBeth)

  • The Taper Twister: You drink and start buying rounds for the bar, round after round. (@garygi)

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  • Each drink is supposed to have less and less alcohol, but the bartender never gets around to doing that, so keep drinking! (@j2lovesfriday)

@j2lovesfriday was actually on a roll coming up with suggested cocktails. Here are a few more of his tasty concoctions:

  • Too Big to Jail: Goldschlager, gold tequila, other top shelf liquors paid w/ public TARP $. Any exec who drinks never faces jail.

  • The QE drink: no one knows what's in it and it's supposed to be stimulating, but we keep drinking it without feeling anything.

  • The Bitcoin drink: made with moonshine and other unregulated/illegal ingredients from secret computer recipe, expect to overpay.

Finally, cheer up. For those still feeling a little skittish in this economy despite a bull market, brace yourself this holiday with "The Chicken Stock" from @ChrisAnkney. "A strong drink to give you the courage to make risky trades. Doubles as a remedy the next morning!"

—By CNBC's Jane Wells; Follow her on Twitter: @janewells

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