Funny Business with Jane Wells

Germany vs France: A World Cup drinking game

One hundred years after the First World War started, and 70 years after D-Day, Americans on this Fourth of July can sit back and watch what happens when Germany tries to invade French territory Brazil.

Or at least that's how ESPN may play it.

From left: Bastian Schweinsteiger of Germany and Paul Pogba of France
Getty Images

France and Germany face off Friday in the World Cup quarter finals. ESPN analyst Mike Tirico previewed the matchup on Monday after Germany prevailed over Algeria. "They've met on the battlefield before," Tirico said. "A bigger field."

Uh, yeah.

Since most of us are off Friday, let's make the soccer match more fun. Here's my proposed France vs. Germany ESPN drinking game. (Disclaimer: Drink responsibly, don't drive, and don't embarrass your children.)

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Take one shot if you hear any ESPN announcer say:

Blitzkrieg ("Germany has launched an all out blitzkrieg.")

Resistance ("The French Resistance to the German offense is holding.")

Field of battle ("Today, these two old foes meet again on the field of battle.")

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Luftwaffe ("Germany's Thomas Muller's header got more air than the Luftwaffe.")

Pincer movement ("I haven't seen a pincer movement like that since Ardennes!")

Vichy ("Looks to me like the French are flopping to buy time. It didn't work for the Vichy government, and it won't work now.")

Axis or Allies ("The Germans have tilted the axis in their favor, and the French are running out of allies.")

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World War III ("Oh, that was a nasty foul. Is he trying to start World War III?")

Invasion ("And the German invasion begins anew.")

Panzer ("France is getting mowed over by German Panzers.")

Gaul, or de Gaulle ("GAAAAUUUUUULLLLL!!!!" when France scores. "He scored de Gaulle!")

Well, I'd say based on my bad puns, it looks like Germany may prevail.

Let's kick it up a notch.

Two drinks for any ridiculously over-the-top mention of a specific battle ("The intensity of this contest rivals the Battle of the Bulge," or "France appears to be pushing the Germans all the way to Stalingrad.")

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Finally, chug your drink (responsibly) if anyone on ESPN says anything remotely close to the"Maginot Line," the famously fallible French defense system that worked during World War I but failed miserably in World War II when the Germans opted to just go around it.

"France is hoping it hasn't created a Maginot Line here," or "The Germans got around the defense like it was some World Cup version of the Maginot Line."

Vive la futbol!

Thanks for some of the above ideas goes to:

@Ryan_J_Ferguson, @richriker, @PZoric, @SconsetCapital, @strikeforcefit