Wall Street

Wall Street 'Mad Men': Who would be Don Draper?

The Mad Men of Wall Street

The hit show "Mad Men" may be about the advertising industry but it has the feel of a Wall Street work environment — drinking with clients, high-stress deadlines and backstabbing.

So who's the Don Draper of Wall Street? If we were doing the Wall Street version of "Mad Men," here's who I would cast.

Dan Loeb as Don Draper

Dan Loeb
Justin Solomon | CNBC

Hedge-fund manager Dan Loeb would be a great Don Draper — he's handsome, well-dressed, savvy and sometimes mysterious. He isn't afraid to criticize executives of companies that he feels aren't being creative or adding shareholder value. Draper isn't afraid to criticize executives of companies he feels are depressing his creativity. Both of them have roots to California and I just hope that unlike, Don Draper, Dan Loeb didn't go AWOL from the army and his real name is Dick Whitman.

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Brad Katsuyama as Peggy Olson

Brad Katsuyama, president and CEO of IEX Group Inc.
Adam Jeffery | CNBC

Brad Katsuyama is the co-founder of the IEX trading platform and one of the stars of the Michael Lewis book "Flash Boys." Peggy Olson was the first woman to be promoted to copywriter. Both are young and used their quick mind and creativity to get ahead. Katsuyama thinks high-frequency trading practices are unfair and sought to fight dark pools. Olson thinks high-frequency sexist hiring practices are unfair and helped fight those dorks and tools.

Jamie Dimon as Roger Sterling

Jamie Dimon, chief executive officer of JPMorgan Chase, in 2015.
David A. Grogan | CNBC

Roger Sterling is the handsome, arrogant and charismatic silver fox of "Mad Men." Despite losing control with alcohol and chain smoking, he doesn't change and everything seems to work for him. He has survived a heart attack and multiple divorces but always escapes personally unscathed. Jamie Dimon is the handsome, slightly arrogant and charismatic silver fox CEO of JPMorgan. Despite losing power struggles and smoking out the Basel hypocrites, he doesn't change and everything seems to work out for him. He has survived throat cancer, the credit crisis and multiple billion-dollar losses but always escapes personally unscathed.

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Lloyd Blankfein as Jim Cutler

Lloyd Blankfein at the 2015 WEF in Davos, Switzerland.
David A. Grogan | CNBC

Jim Cutler is the CEO of ad agency Cutler, Gleason and Chaough and the rival of Roger Sterling — much like Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein and Jamie Dimon are rival bank CEOs. Blankfein, like Cutler, is disliked by some but has had tremendous success.

Donald Trump as Peter Campbell

Donald Trump
Getty Images

Peter Campbell is slippery character who is always unsatisfied. He is a blowhard who constantly embellishes his worth and accomplishments. Like Trump, despite all his flaws, he is a character that you somehow like because he's so unapologetically himself. And Campbell, like Trump, is also losing his hair. I think Campbell should go full Trump and sport that signature combover. This would solidify his standing as the next "Celebrity Apprentice."

Martha Stewart as Betty Draper/Betty Francis

Martha Stewart
Getty Images

Betty Draper is the "ice queen" ex-wife of Don Draper and current wife of politician Henry Francis. Despite appearing as a wholesome homemaker, she can be totally vindictive. She has a strained relationship with everyone including her family and kids. If you cross her, she can make your life a nightmare. Martha Stewart made her fortune as a wholesome homemaker but is known to be pretty icy herself. Just look up what she's said about Gwyneth Paltrow and Blake Lively. Martha Stewart's daughter wrote in her book, "I grew up with a glue gun to my head." I am afraid to write anything more about her.

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Jim Rogers as Bert Cooper

Jim Rogers
ChinaFotoPress | Getty Images

Bert Cooper was one of the original founders of Sterling Cooper and a crafty gentleman known for his bow ties. Famed investor Jim Rogers is also a crafty gentleman known for his bow ties. Their similarities go all the way to their love for Asia — Rogers lives in Singapore and Cooper loved Japanese art.

Danielle Chiesi as Joan Holloway

Danielle Chiesi in 2010
Daniel Acker | Bloomberg | Getty Images

Danielle Chiesi is a former beauty queen who used her sexiness to build relationships at male-dominated tech companies. The 5'8" voluptuous blonde would flirt with tech executives to get non-public information, and parlayed that into big profits. Her downfall came as she pleaded guilty in the insider-information case against former Galleon chief Raj Rajaratnam. Joan Holloway is the queen bee of the office secretaries who used her sexiness to build relationships at male-dominated Madison Avenue ad agencies. The 5'8" voluptuous redhead wasn't afraid to use this to her advantage. Holloway got the head of Jaguar to sleep with her in exchange for his business and parlayed that into a partnership. Unlike Chiesi, she hasn't met her downfall yet.

Commentary by Raj Malhotra (Raj Mahal is his stage name), a former Wall Street trader-turned-stand-up-comedian. He has worked at Wall Street firms covering three continents, including at Bank of America, BNP Paribas and Nomura. He draws from his unique ethnic background and Wall Street career to entertain audiences nightly, highlighting the struggles of the 1 percent. He can be seen at Gotham Comedy Club, Broadway Comedy Club, NY Comedy Club, Greenwich Village Comedy Club, and the Tribeca Comedy Lounge. Follow him on Twitter @RajMahalTweets.

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