It can be awkward scolding your own parents. That's why new parents should set some grandparenting ground rules as soon as possible to avoid nasty arguments and frayed relationships down the road, according to bestselling author and parenting expert Esther Wojcicki.
"There's a lot of conflict between parents and grandparents. I've seen it everywhere," says Wojcicki, an educator and author of the 2019 book "How to Raise Successful People."
Wojcicki, who has 10 grandchildren, adds that most conflicts between parents and grandparents arise when the latter undermine their own kids "out of ignorance".
"It's hard for [grandparents] to readjust and realize that their kids are adults and now they can make their own decisions," Wojcicki says. "So, I think a lot of grandparents inadvertently step on the toes of the parents and do things which, to the grandparents, seem normal. But, actually it's an invasion of their territory."
Establishing set rules "when the kids are young, and even when they're just born" can help parents avoid potential future conflicts by creating opportunities to discuss boundaries calmly before any are actually encroached, says Wojcicki.
She recommends starting with her No. 1 rule for grandparents: "No secrets."
Grandparents should never encourage their grandchildren to keep secrets from their parents, no matter how innocuous the secret may seem, Wojcicki says. Whether it's an inside joke, a delayed bedtime or a special treat, like an extra helping of cookies or ice cream, encouraging kids to keep secrets from their own parents can actually create long-term damage.
"It can lead to patterns of behavior that are bad, [like] teaching kids to keep secrets from their parents," Wojcicki says. "Would [the grandparents] have wanted their kids to keep secrets?"
Other experts agree: Children see their grandparents as authority figures, so those secrets can teach kids that dishonesty is acceptable while also undermining the trust between a child and their parents, according to Judith Joseph, a child and adolescent psychiatrist in New York City.
Child-parent trust is essential for kids' emotional development. When kids feel secure and confident in the knowledge that they can share anything with their parents, they're more likely to grow up to be happy and self-reliant adults, research shows.
Normalizing keeping secrets can also confuse kids, potentially making it more likely they won't open up to their parents on serious issues, like if another adult abuses them and tells them to stay silent, Wojcicki adds.
"It can result in all kinds of sexual abuse," she says. "It's a bad, bad precedent."
How and why to set grandparent boundaries early
Parents should start having conversations with grandparents about rules and boundaries regarding their young children as soon as possible, Wojcicki says: "Do it in advance of having a battle."
It's always more productive to have a calm discussion instead of an argument, she adds. Establishing ground rules ahead of time can hopefully help avoid hurt feelings, which can grow into deeper rifts over time and have negative effects on children and potentially rob them of a fruitful relationship with their grandparents.
"While people aren't angry at each other, they can sit down together and just talk about the golden rules for how to make parenting [and] grandparenting work for both sides," Wojcicki says.
In addition to her top rule about secrets, Wojcicki adds that some of the biggest areas of conflict between parents and grandparents often involve what and when the kids eat, the clothes they wear, and their sleeping schedule.
Another key issue is gift-giving, as grandparents often want to bring presents or treats for their grandchildren that the parents don't want them to have, Wojcicki notes.
Wojcicki herself has even been admonished by her adult children for bringing too many gifts for her grandchildren, she admits. Calling it her "number one mistake" as a grandparent, Wojcicki says she eventually put aside her own hurt feelings and accepted that her children had a point.
"It's not like I'm perfect, you know. I had to be told what to do," Wojcicki says. "I realized I was invading their space."
Of course, not every grandparent is able to see the error of their ways or willing to correct offensive behavior. In those cases, Wojcicki says it's acceptable for parents to limit grandparents' interactions with their grandchildren until they are able to be more respectful of the parents' wishes. Because it can be sad and traumatic when those relationships deteriorate, though, Wojcicki hopes more families can avoid that fate by being proactive.
Ultimately, Wojcicki recommends that parents think about the boundaries they most want their kids' grandparents to respect as early as possible, so they can create an open, honest and cordial dialogue to address them before they become a bigger issue.
"It's important to have these discussions and to keep the channels of communication open," she says. "When those channels of communication close. That's bad. You're done."
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