For the parents who spend a lot of time stressing over the mistakes they make raising their kids, Harvard University professor Arthur Brooks has some words of advice: Don't worry.
"You will make a lot of mistakes, but mostly they won't matter," Brooks, a social scientist and happiness researcher, writes in his newest book, "The Happiness Files," which published on August 12. Rather than spending time and energy stressing over every small parenting misstep, let the little things go — even if they feel big at the time — and focus more broadly on setting positives example for your kids and showing them unconditional love, he advises.
Brooks, who now has three adult kids, writes that he often stressed about his son's middle school grades. The more time he spent "bugging" his son about grades, the more strained their relationship became —until he realized that he actually cared more about his kids growing up to be "good and happy people" than the details of their academic transcripts, he writes.
Instead of harping on grades, Brooks shifted the focus of his conversations with his son to "talking about values," like how to be a thoughtful, ethical and responsible person, he writes. "It was a relief for both of us." Today, Brooks and his now-23-year-old son "talk every single day; and despite all of my missteps, he turned out just fine. And most likely, so will your child."
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Of course, not all parenting mistakes are trivial: Some really can impede your child's ability to grow into a kind, thoughtful and happy adult. Many parenting experts agree that when you make a parenting mistake of any kind, the most important thing you can do is control how you respond to it.
Specifically, you can use your own mistakes — losing your temper, accidentally breaking a promise to your kid — to show your children how to apologize, bounce back and move on after you've messed up. Doing so ultimately helps children learn to develop the resilience and mental toughness they'll need to become confident and happy adults, psychotherapist Amy Morin wrote for CNBC Make It in 2021.
Worrying too much about making parenting mistakes can also be tough on your mental health. That stress can lead to issues like anxiety and depression in parents, which can actually rub off on children, research shows. It's a process psychologists call "emotional contagion."
In his book, Brooks offers three straightforward rules for parents to follow "if your goal is virtue and happiness for your kids":
1. 'Even a hot mess can be a good parent'
Your kids are likely to inherit many of your personality traits, good and bad, simply due to genetics, research shows. But many traits, including conscientiousness and overall happiness, are heavily influenced by parental actions, writes Brooks.
In other words, the mistakes you make as a parent and person don't have to negatively affect your kids. Parents must choose "to be involved in their [kids'] lives and provide structure and goals" along with modeling the types of behaviors they want their kids to emulate, Brooks writes.
2. 'When you don't know what to do, be warm and loving'
When it comes to raising happy, confident kids, unconditional love is essential, multiple experts say. Kids need to understand that their parents will always love them no matter what happens, even if they mess up or fail along the way.
"For happiness, the parenting technique that truly matters is warmth and affection," writes Brooks. "Your kids don't need a drill sergeant, Santa Claus, or a helicopter mom; they need someone who loves them unconditionally, and shows it even when the brats deserve it the least."
3. 'Be the person you want your kids to become'
You can't simply tell your children how to behave. Kids, Brooks notes, are "walking BS-detectors [who] always notice when we say one thing and do another." Instead, you really do have to model that behavior yourself, he writes.
"A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself how you'd like your son or daughter to behave as an adult in a given situation — and then do that yourself," writes Brooks. "When you're driving and get cut off in traffic, you would like it not to bother them — so don't let them see it bothering you ... You'd like them to be generous to others, so be generous too."
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