Zen expert who works with Google says this is the No. 1 way to deal with 'difficult' people at work
Let's face it, you won't see eye-to-eye with everyone you work with — no matter how hard you try. From co-workers to bosses, there are probably more than a few people who you consider to be difficult.
And we're all the "difficult person" in at least one other person's story, says Marc Lesser, a Zen teacher and executive coach with clients like Google and Facebook, and CEO of consulting company, ZBA Associates.
"An important and fundamental distinction to make is between 'difficult people' and behaviors or actions that we find difficult," Lesser wrote in his upcoming book, "Finding Clarity: How Compassionate Accountability Builds Vibrant Relationships, Thriving Workplaces, and Meaningful Lives."
If you simply view situations as difficult, instead of labeling the people you're in conflict with as such, you can approach problems differently and come up with solutions, he adds.
Here's the best way to navigate those uncomfortable conversations at work.
The No. 1 way to handle 'difficult' people: Be curious
"When we experience someone else as difficult," Lesser says, "there is a strong human tendency to immediately think that we know what this other person's intention is."
Instead of reacting strongly or blaming the person for the feelings you're experiencing, "be curious, not furious," he suggests.
Curiosity in these situations looks like:
- Digging deeper and asking yourself why you're feeling emotions like anger, frustration or sadness
- Asking the other person what their intentions and motivations were
- If you're comfortable, expressing how you're feeling so that they are aware
Imagine you're in leadership at your job and one of your direct reports is constantly late to meetings or doesn't respond to your emails in a timely manner. You can use this approach by:
- Stating an observation like: "I noticed that you're late."
- Describing how it makes you feel: "I don't feel respected."
- Making a request: "I would really appreciate it if you could come on time."
Through this, you may get the response that you're hoping for, or actually learn something about your direct report's situation, says Lesser. Perhaps they're struggling with childcare or having a difficult time outside of work, he adds.
Don't avoid conflict at work: Normalize difficult conversations
As uncomfortable as conflict may be, the solution for dealing with difficult situations at work isn't to just ignore them, Lesser says.
"It's not a good thing to let those small differences build. One of my suggestions is what I call a 'no festering' rule in the workplace," he says. "Any time when you're feeling not seen or not heard, [don't] let it build. Normalize those difficult conversations."
Approaching disagreements with co-workers and leaders at your job with curiosity can build trust in the workplace and welcome healthy conflict.
"This doesn't mean being passive because sometimes it can be appropriate to disagree and get into conflict," says Lesser, "but you want to be more responsive and thoughtful about it."
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