The Love Is Gone—Breaking Up With Your Bank

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It's that time of year again, Valentine's Day, when the hearts and roses come out in full force – look out, dog in the Pajamagram commercial, undergarments headed your way! – and businesses attempt to woo customers with memorable images of love, loyalty and lingerie.

Well, while you were trying to unzip your onesie, dear lady who got a Pajamagram, much of the bank-going public has "Lost That Loving Feeling." Whoa oh whoa oh whoa …

More than two-thirds (71 percent) of consumers said they would break up with their bank if offered a better alternative, according to a recent survey by the McGraw-Hill Federal Credit Union.

They likened the experience of dealing with their bank to interacting with their in-laws (36 percent), dealing with the cable guy (30 percent), interacting with the IRS (25 percent) or going to the dentist (23 percent).

"High or hidden fees" was the strongest repellent, followed by a lack of relevant products and services and that age-old relationship killer – "you never listen to me."

Seriously, Jamie Dimon, when was the last time you asked me how my day was?!

Perhaps worst of all is the fact that the trophy wives of banking customers, those ages 18 to 29, are the ones who are the most interested in hearing about alternatives.

Perhaps showing their age, 37 percent of the women in that group said they had a healthy relationship with their bank but when pressed to choose a song that captured the essence of the relationship, one in four said: "I Can't Make You Love Me."

Ouch! That sounds like a Lifetime movie for women, starring Meredith Baxter-Birney.

If you are planning to break up with your bank, here are some handy tips from wikiHow on "How to Break Up With Someone on Valentine's Day:"

1) Identify the reason why you want to break up.

2) Determine why it has to be on Valentine's Day. "Is it because you just can't bear the thought of having to go through the day living a lie?!"

3) Choose an unromantic location like a community park or other public area that isn't full of nuzzling couples. (When you think about it, a bank fits that bill perfectly – they're about as unromantic as you can get!)

4) Be on time to your breakup or meeting.

5) Try to end on a positive note.

Dear bank,
I want to say "it's not you, it's me" but the truth is, it IS you. I'm sorry it had to be on Valentine's Day but when I arrived at your window and saw that heart-shaped doily taped to the window, I knew I couldn't bear to live this lie another day. Look, I know you'll find someone else. You always do. And frankly, there's a lot of really great catches out there who cook better than I do – and don't check their bank statements as carefully as I do. You've got a lot going for you, bank. And who knows, maybe our paths will cross again – maybe there will be some time at 4 in the morning when I'm lonely and out of cash that I'll knock on your door. Until then, take care of yourself. And in the words of Ron Burgundy, "Stay classy."