Worst Valentine's Day Ever

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Nothing says "I love you" like a cockroach.

The Bronx Zoo, still recovering from an escaped cobra, has come up with a unique fundraising effort tied to Valentine's Day. It does not involve romantic walks through the zoo with a "birds and bees" theme. There's no lingering around pens where animals are lovingly snuggled up in a nap.

This V-Day idea involves roaches, because, like a roach, love never dies.

The zoo is asking people to pay $10 to "name a roach" for a loved one this Valentine's Day. "Roses are red, violets are blue. Name a roach for your Valentine, Courtesy of the Bronx Zoo."

(Read More: Valentine's Day: The Cost of Showing Some Love.)

Not any roach. A Madagascar hissing roach. You can chose from any one of the 58,000 roaches on hand.

"Naming a Madagascar hissing roach in honor of someone near and dear to your heart shows that you've noticed how resilient, resourceful, and loyal that person is," the zoo proclaims. "You're not afraid to say, 'Baby, you're a roach!'"

If the Hubbanator ever tells me, "Baby, you're a roach!", it will be the last thing he says.

As ridiculous as the roach idea may sound—and it is ridiculous—it could be a godsend if you haven't figured out what to do for Valentine's Day yet. FedEx says one in three people procrastinate in buying a gift for Feb. 14, with men spending on average $114, while women get away with only $63. But, hey, the roach is only $10! Think of the impact it will make!

(Read More: Nothing Says 'I'm Yours' Like a Chocolate Head.)

But wait.

They have 58,000 ROACHES AT THE BRONX ZOO? I think it's time to invest in a few more cobras.

Speaking of which…

The Bronx Zoo cobra is weighing in on Valentine's day with his own dating advice. "Be like the boa constrictor and cuddle. But, also don't be like the boa constrictor and smother your date to death. There is a fine line here." Good advice from a cold-blooded lover.

Another sign that love is not in the air…

Care.com says more than half of "busy parents" won't even celebrate Valentine's Day. That's not the saddest part. The caregiving company surveyed more than 1,100 parents and presented them with a list of songs to best describe their Feb. 14. "An overwhelming 36 percent voted 'We Are Family' by Sister Sledge."

What the...

Coming in second was "Cheeseburger in Paradise" by Jimmy Buffett, with 19 percent of the vote, followed by .. . wait for it ... Dolly Parton's "9 to 5". Coming in dead last, Frank Sinatra's "Makin' Whoopee."

(Read More: Married Entrepreneurs Get Less Bedroom Satisfaction.)

America, we have a romance crisis.

Hissing roaches and cheeseburgers? What happened to flowers and chocolates? If it ain't broke...

—By CNBC's Jane Wells; Follow her on Twitter: @janewells