A Manly "Funny Business" Report

You are What You Drink
The International Bottled Water Association brags that Americans last year drank nearly 28 gallons of bottled water each on average. Meantime, the Beer Institute's latest figures show we each drank 30 gallons of beer. Somehow, I don't think the same Americans chugging 30 gallons of Bud are also drinking 28 gallons of Evian. By the way, Nevada drinks the most beer at 43.2 gallons per gambler, er, person. Guess which state comes in second? NEW HAMPSHIRE, with 42.8 gallons of beer on the wall per Granite Stater.

TV Networks Say "No," But Arizona Says "Yes!"
GoDaddy.com is the web domain name registrar that tries to grab headlines by creating provocative Super Bowl ads the networks won't run. You know, the ones with the buxom woman in the tank top that has trouble staying on. The networks usually say the ads don't meet broadcast decency standards, and then GoDaddy always tones them down to make air. Now GoDaddy and CEO Bob Parsons have been named winners of the Arizona Business Leadership Award, for the business "that best exemplifies industry leadership, financial growth, ethical conduct, community service and business education." The Business League adds, "Go Daddy is just the kind of company we would like to see other Arizona businesses emulate." Go Daddy!

Speaking of Buxom Women
Spike TV is hosting its first ever "Guys Choice" awards in June, where it salutes all the things guys like. Hmmm. Let me think... what... would... that... include...

Awards categories (that I can actually name on a family-friendly website) include Ballsiest Band, Hottest Girl on the Planet (not "woman"), Most Dangerous Man (not "boy"). Ok, ok, I'm getting politically correct. Perhaps I should tune in and learn something about the "bevy of unbelievably foxy trophy girls." Sponsors include Southern Comfort and the U.S. Army. Vote for your nominees at www.spiketv.com. I say a bunch of us "girls" subvert the contest by nominating "Idol's" Sanjaya Malakar in every category.

Finally, STD Update
Earlier this weekI noted how many magazines there are dedicated to specific physical conditions ("ADDitude" for ADD/ADHD, "Menopause Matters," "Lupus Now"). I joked that there are still many opportunities to create publications for things like, oh, Herpes. WRONG. I was notified the disease is taken. "The Helper" is a quarterly newsletter on Herpes, available at www.ashastd.org. Well, I still haven't heard anything about monthly bathroom reading for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Yet.

Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com