There are more than 80 players named in the Mitchell Reportand suffice it to say, there will be a lot of lawyers hired over this. But I figured I'd save them some time and money, which is important when you are former player Mark Carreon and only made $3.4 million in your career.
For those players mentioned in the report, just fill in the blanks and put this on your personal letterhead and fax and e-mail away.
MY RESPONSE TO BEING NAMED IN THE MITCHELL REPORT
While I am very interested in seeing baseball do what it can to rid the sport of performance-enhancing drugs, I'm shocked and appalled at the evidence presented against me in the Mitchell Report.
Let me set the record straight.
I have never tested positive for ___________________________. Period.
(FILL IN DRUG)
There is no credible evidence that I have taken it orally, topically or have been injected by it.
The team represented by former Sen. George Mitchell presented a check I had written to ___________________________ as support that I had used the drug.
(FILL IN DEALER'S NAME HERE)
Notice how there's nothing in the memo section that says _______________? How do you know I wasn't paying my fantasy fees?
(FILL IN DRUG)
If you didn't have a great career, please use this section.
Performance-enhancing drugs? What a joke. If I'm guilty of anything, it's performance-dehancers. Have you looked at my stats? I hit __________________ in my entire
(number of home runs)
career/threw a ________________ fastball!
All players continue here.
Unfortunately, with libel law being the way it is, there is no reliable legal recourse here. So that's why, next Halloween, after showing up at George Mitchell's house dressed in a _________________________ costume, I will ___________________________________ it.
(FILL IN SCARY COSTUME) (EGG/STINK BOMB, YOU GET THE IDEA)
SIGN YOUR NAME
A non-___________________ user
(FILL IN DRUG HERE)
Other Mitchell Report Notes
A lot of trees died yesterday, assuming baseball fans printed out the entire document (either 311 or 409 pages, depending on how you are counting). The PDF was downloaded more than 2 million times yesterday, according to MLB.com spokesman Matt Gould. I'm calling Elias to try to confirm if it was the highest use of Adobe Acrobat by baseball fans in a single day.
After I wrote about their George Mitchell promotion, the folks at Steiner Sports apologized for their promotion. Why? It was a great and maybe necessary promotion. If I bought a Roger Clemens ball on Wednesday night, I would be pretty mad. The $50 gift certificate might not have covered my loss, but I would have been happy with the gesture. They might have been forced to apologize, but it was a good business move.
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