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Fake Jane on "Sex and The City", Divorce And Hot Flashes

Fake Jane
CNBC.com
Fake Jane

The surprising success of "Sex and the City" gives hope to me, Fake Jane. Maybe, just maybe, women of a certain age, who dream of looking and dressing like Carrie/Samantha/Miranda/Charlotte are worth Madison Avenue's attention.

I mean, you know, women who are three times the age of the disgustingly perfect-thin girls advertisers usually target. You know. WOMEN. BITTER WOMEN. Who've earned some MONEY.

So you can imagine my surprise as news releases promoting older women stuff popped up in my email box this week on the heels of the movie's success! Finally, someone cared. Someone was thinking about ME and all the exciting things I was capable of achieving if I could only move my facial muscles post-Botox.

The first item to catch my hungry eye: "WHAT MAKES HOT SUMMER NIGHTS HOTTER?"

I immediately thought: David Beckham.

I read on.

"It may start as just a sensation. You may feel like something strange is about to happen...like you are engulfed in flames as a rush of heat is spread through your body."

This is when I poured myself a crisp Pinot gris and settled down for the good stuff.

"You've just had a hot flash, one of the most common symptoms menopausal women experience."

Oh.

Alas, what makes hot summer nights hotter is...menopause. The press release was from a group calling itself the nation's largest menopause management education program, called "The Red Hot Mamas." I am not lying.

NEXT...

Then in the email box came another winner entitled "Save the Date!"

It was from the National Headache Foundation: "The NHF is raising awareness this month, marking June 4th as Menstrual Migraine Awareness Day."

I guess I should look forward to hot flashes because then I'll no longer face the potential heartache of the "menstrual migraine."

NEXT...

A website called "First Wives World" www.firstwivesworld.com contacted me. It's "dedicated to the approximate 30 million women transitioning through divorce." I, Fake Jane, am not divorced, though I'm not averse to the possibility as it would signal that at some point I was actually married.

First Wives is run by Debbie Nigro, "Chief Executive Girlfriend and Founder." She sent me a post on "Divorced Women's Dating Styles," which include:

Damaged Daters - You don't trust anyone anymore with your heart. You've been burned...Your cynical vibes smell defensive and stink up the room. Wear extra perfume.

I Just Want To Sleep With You and Not Really Talk to You Daters -Your hormones are swinging and you're going to try and act the way you think some men act, and just use someone for sex.

Dumbstruck Daters. You haven't been on a date in decades. You don't know what to wear, what to say or what the rules are. You buy new lingerie but you don't know why because you have no intention of letting anyone see it yet.

Comfort Daters -You head back in time and re- date old boyfriends who are now also single.

Smother Daters -You like him, NO you LOVE him, NO you're 'obsessed' with him. You're the one who has called too many times. Are you there?? Hello...I thought you said you would call at 4 ...its 4:05. Pick up the phone, I know you are there. Hello! Hello! Hello- he's not picking up for a reason.

And there's more, believe me.

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