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Sycamore Hill--Boomer Business

I've gone fishing, literally. So, rather than just put up a "Gone Fishin'" sign and let this blog wither away, I'm providing you with some silly summer reading. I am posting installments over the next week of a television script I wrote called "Sycamore Hill," about sex, drugs, and death at a condo complex for the 55-and-older group. Boomers and beyond.

Most of what you read here is true, based on first-hand accounts, though the names and other details have been changed to protect the guilty. I got help from family and friends like Andy Barnett, Gregg Greenberg, John Longawa and Cherie Phoenix. Think of it as "Golden Girls" meets "Curb Your Enthusiasm," except not as funny.

FADE IN:

INT. MAYVENE’S CONDO

MAYVENE JONES, A WIDOW, SITS AT HER HOME COMPUTER ON THE PHONE. HER DESK IS COVERED WITH STACKS OF BILLS, PAPERS AND PHOTOS OF GRANDCHILDREN. SHE BEARS THE TRACES OF A MISSISSIPPI DRAWL, WHICH KICKS IN WHEN SHE’S ANGRY.

MAYVENE

(into the phone, sternly, in full drawl)

Customer support? (pause) I can’t get

online. (pause) I cannot get online, you

have changed the dial-up number again.

(louder) the dial up… the dial up number.

I can hardly understand you. Where are you?

(pause) Indiana? Are you near Terre Haute?

My good friend Barbara Melman lives there.

Do you know her? (pause) What? Bangalore?

Is that near Indianapolis?

MAYVENE (V.O.)

Dear Paula…

FLASH AHEAD CU COMPUTER SCREEN

MAYVENE is typing an email. We hear her say the words

that we see her typing on screen.

MAYVENE (V.O.)

I finally got the internet working

again today.

FLASHBACK TO MAYVENE AT DESK ON PHONE AGAIN

MAYVENE

No, I can’t try the new dial-up number. I’m

using the phone to talk to you. (pause)

No, I don’t have two phone lines.

(ticked off) Who is this?

Her face and tone change completely to pure

southern comfort.

MAYVENE

Oh, Rajeev, it’s Mayvene, how are you?

(pause) Good, and your mother?

FLASH FORWARD CU COMPUTER SCREEN

We again see the words MAYVENE is typing as we

hear her say them.

MAYVENE (V.O.)

Fortunately I spoke with Rajeev, who

helped me the last two times I called

customer support. For some reason they

keep transferring me to India. Did I

tell you about his mother? He tells me she

is a widow, too, named Urmila.

WIDE MAYVENE

She spells the name out loud.

MAYVENE

U-R-M-I-L-A.

She resumes typing.

MAYVENE (V.O.)

She’s from Mumbai, which used to be Bombay.

Spells out loud again.

MAYVENE

M-U-M-B-A-I.

SOUND: SCREAM OFF CAMERA

MAYVENE looks out the window. Hearing nothing

more, she is about to resume typing when…

SOUND: THUNDERING FEET OUTSIDE

MAYVENE looks up again.

EXTERIOR CONDO

Faces of RESIDENTS peak out to see what’s happening. One is RANDOLPH VAN RYAN, a dapper retiree who’s painting a self-portrait.

SOUND: AMBULANCE SIREN

INT. MAYVENE’S CONDO

MAYVENE stops for a moment, then resumes typing quickly.

MAYVENE (V.O.)

Got to go. Sounds like the “body snatchers”

have invaded Sycamore Hill again. You

could set your schedule by the siren

song of the ambulance.

MAYVENE glances at the calendar.

It shows “Tuesday,” and the words “Sycamore Scribes”

are scribbled there.

She resumes typing.

MAYVENE (V.O.)

See you Thursday. I’ll tell you

about the porn novel Fred and

Pearl are writing and forcing us to

listen to at the Sycamore Scribes writers

group. I can’t figure out why couples these

days find leather sexually stimulating.

It always reminds me of the smell of

the barn. Though I could turn your

toenails redder than a boar’s balls

with some barn stories.

She laughs out loud.

MAYVENE (V.O.)

Love, Mom.

CU COMPUTER MOUSE

MAYVENE moves the mouse to click “send.”

END OF TEASER

Up next…who died?

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com