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Sycamore Hill Part 4: The Viagra Monologues

While I'm fly fishing in Wyoming and Montana this week--or trying too--I hope you continue to get a chuckle out of this little piece of summer reading I wrote with the help of others--a TV script really--called "Sycamore Hill." Yes, I know, stick to my day job. But rather than leave the ol' blog vacant, I'm filling it with the pabulum of my dreams.

When we left off Friday, Bill was dead, and everyone discovered Mayvene knew more about erectile dysfunction drugs than they imagined. Today, we learn more than we need to about the sex fantasies of boomers.

ACT I

Scene B

INT. COMMUNITY ROOM

MAYVENE, MAGGIE, JOANN, GERTIE, ALONG WITH

OTHER RESIDENTS, AGE 55 AND UP, GATHER AT

TABLES. ONE MAN, ANDY, HAS A PONYTAIL AND

WEARS A TIE-DYED T-SHIRT THAT SAYS “ANDY”. ONE

MARRIED COUPLE, FRED AND PEARL, LOOK, DRESS, AND ACT YOUNGER THAN THE REST. DIANE, THE COMPLEX ASSISTANT MANAGER, IS THERE. SHE IS ABOUT 30, AND ATTRACTIVE UNDER ALL THAT T-J MAXX CLOTHING.

MAYVENE

I thought it would be a good idea to hold the weekly Sycamore Scribes meeting, despite what happened to poor Bill. He would have wanted that.

DIANE

What happened to Bill?

JOANN

Diane, you’re the assistant manager, don’t you know? He died while starting Iwo Jima day 2.

MAGGIE

God, how many battles did he fight in?

Didn’t that war ever end?

JOANN

Maggie, listening to him drone on was like a verbal Bataan death march.

ANDY (the hippie)

But I wanna know what happened at Iwo Jima!

MAYVENE

We won.

ANDY

Cool.

JOANN

Bill may have won that battle, Andy, but

today he lost the war. Just, poof.

Reminded me when my Bob died.

WOMAN

Oh I know! Or poor Harold, remember what

I went through?

MAYVENE

(patience thinning, accent growing)

Gals. Please. We’ve all written about

our husbands’ glorious deaths in the stories

we bring here… the great memoirs we all

plan to publish! Let’s not rehash old

material. Anyone have anything new?

FRED

Pearl and I have written a third

chapter in our novel, “The Viagra

Monologues.”

PEARL

(blushing)

Well, Fred, it’s not all fiction.

The others look at each other knowingly.

MAYVENE

(drawl kicks up a notch)

Pearl, I appreciate the effort you and

Fred have put into our little group, and

I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable…

GERTIE

(to the others)

Yes she does.

MAYVENE

…but let’s remember our audience here.

FRED

Oh, come on, Mayvene. It’s not like

you’ve never had sex in your life.

You’ve raised five kids. (chortles)

JOANN snorts a laugh, the others look embarrassed.

MAYVENE gets very quiet and very southern.

MAYVENE

Fred, I have done more than you can imagine. But you will just have to imagine it.

Silence.

PEARL

(offended)

Well, I hope we can share our writing.

That is what this group is for?

MAYVENE

(all honey now)

Of course, we would be happy to hear

and critique.

FRED stands to read his manuscript.

FRED

“Chapter 3: Erection Day.”

‘As I went to cast my vote, she opened

the door of her in-home polling place

wearing nothing but thong underwear and

a Playtex bra. There was quite a bit of “lift”

in the space that “separated” us. And I

eagerly punched my ballot. There was

never any doubt I was voting for…bush.’

He stops. CUTAWAY stunned reactions. ANDY howls with laughter.

END OF ACT I

Up next: Things start to take a dark turn.

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com