While I'm fly fishing in Wyoming and Montana this week--or trying too--I hope you continue to get a chuckle out of this little piece of summer reading I wrote with the help of others--a TV script really--called "Sycamore Hill." Yes, I know, stick to my day job. But rather than leave the ol' blog vacant, I'm filling it with the pabulum of my dreams.
When we left off Friday, Bill was dead, and everyone discovered Mayvene knew more about erectile dysfunction drugs than they imagined. Today, we learn more than we need to about the sex fantasies of boomers.
ACT I
Scene B
INT. COMMUNITY ROOM
MAYVENE, MAGGIE, JOANN, GERTIE, ALONG WITH
OTHER RESIDENTS, AGE 55 AND UP, GATHER AT
TABLES. ONE MAN, ANDY, HAS A PONYTAIL AND
WEARS A TIE-DYED T-SHIRT THAT SAYS “ANDY”. ONE
MARRIED COUPLE, FRED AND PEARL, LOOK, DRESS, AND ACT YOUNGER THAN THE REST. DIANE, THE COMPLEX ASSISTANT MANAGER, IS THERE. SHE IS ABOUT 30, AND ATTRACTIVE UNDER ALL THAT T-J MAXX CLOTHING.
MAYVENE
I thought it would be a good idea to hold the weekly Sycamore Scribes meeting, despite what happened to poor Bill. He would have wanted that.
DIANE
What happened to Bill?
JOANN
Diane, you’re the assistant manager, don’t you know? He died while starting Iwo Jima day 2.
MAGGIE
God, how many battles did he fight in?
Didn’t that war ever end?
JOANN
Maggie, listening to him drone on was like a verbal Bataan death march.
ANDY (the hippie)
But I wanna know what happened at Iwo Jima!
MAYVENE
We won.
ANDY
Cool.
JOANN
Bill may have won that battle, Andy, but
today he lost the war. Just, poof.
Reminded me when my Bob died.
WOMAN
Oh I know! Or poor Harold, remember what
I went through?
MAYVENE
(patience thinning, accent growing)
Gals. Please. We’ve all written about
our husbands’ glorious deaths in the stories
we bring here… the great memoirs we all
plan to publish! Let’s not rehash old
material. Anyone have anything new?
FRED
Pearl and I have written a third
chapter in our novel, “The Viagra
Monologues.”
PEARL
(blushing)
Well, Fred, it’s not all fiction.
The others look at each other knowingly.
MAYVENE
(drawl kicks up a notch)
Pearl, I appreciate the effort you and
Fred have put into our little group, and
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable…
GERTIE
(to the others)
Yes she does.
MAYVENE
…but let’s remember our audience here.
FRED
Oh, come on, Mayvene. It’s not like
you’ve never had sex in your life.
You’ve raised five kids. (chortles)
JOANN snorts a laugh, the others look embarrassed.
MAYVENE gets very quiet and very southern.
MAYVENE
Fred, I have done more than you can imagine. But you will just have to imagine it.
Silence.
PEARL
(offended)
Well, I hope we can share our writing.
That is what this group is for?
MAYVENE
(all honey now)
Of course, we would be happy to hear
and critique.
FRED stands to read his manuscript.
FRED
“Chapter 3: Erection Day.”
‘As I went to cast my vote, she opened
the door of her in-home polling place
wearing nothing but thong underwear and
a Playtex bra. There was quite a bit of “lift”
in the space that “separated” us. And I
eagerly punched my ballot. There was
never any doubt I was voting for…bush.’
He stops. CUTAWAY stunned reactions. ANDY howls with laughter.
END OF ACT I
Up next: Things start to take a dark turn.
Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com
