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Married Men, Banker Pimps, And Underwear

Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Banker: And Other Baller Things You Only Get To Say If You Work On Wall Street
Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Banker: And Other Baller Things You Only Get To Say If You Work On Wall Street

I missed blogging while I was away--there are just too many good stories out there--and I also missed your emails. Well, not all of the emails. I continued to receive mountains of nasty-grams from hardcore gamers who made a virtual piñata out of me for blogging my son's decision to dump his Microsoft Xbox for a Sony PS3. By the way, he's still happy with his decision. So, keep swinging away!

In the meantime...

BANKERS ARE PIMPS
In what may be a case of bad timing, Disney-owned Hyperion is releasing a book called "Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Banker: And Other Baller Things You Only Get To Say If You Work On Wall Street," or DIFGTBABAOBTYOGTSIYWOWS. Author Amit "Leveraged Sellout" Chatwani is releasing his book at a time when many bankers are not feeling so dang good. Still, the author, who lived with six bankers during college as proof he knows what he's talking about, describes these young Turks as the "pimps" of the finance world. They wear Ferragamo loafers with no socks and use banker language all the time, "like sizing up a chick by comparing her 'stocks and assets.'" According to FlashNews, Chatwani says the bankers "work like 100 hours a week," (like?) "so when they go out, they wanna roll like Kanye." On the Amazon page promoting the book, there are three reader responses:

"After reading this clueless propaganda, I strongly believe that you are a racist, misogynist jerk. FYI, Size 6 is not fat." --Banker Chick

"Strong to very strong." --John Carney, Editor-In-Chief, Dealbreaker.com

"I used to feel pretty good about making $200K/year." --Poor person

PERHAPS THE BANKERS WILL EVENTUALLY GET MARRIED
A new USC study says Type A men are more likely to end up with Type 2 diabetes and heart attacks because of increased blood sugar levels--but getting married may mitigate that. The study suggests that "wives may either reduce stress levels for their spouses, or it could be as simple as they help watch what goes into their husbands' mouths."Maybe some wives just absorb the stress their hard-charging hubbies "share" with the family. Anyone check blood sugar levels of the Mrs.?

DON'T GET IN A WEDGIE
Today is National Underwear Day. I'm sure it's also a bunch of other "days" as well, as marketing machines across America continue to exploit the calendar (see yesterday's post on "Wheelchair Beautification Month"). Today in NYC, Free Pair is giving away thousands of new pairs of undies, in what's being called "panty pandemonium." The company hopes to convince people that "underwear dictates your mood."

Fake Jane says today is also National Lame Idea Day

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE
We may soon not need underwear, as the entire planet succumbs to its inevitable destruction. But according to The Onion, Gore-Al is planning for the future.

FEET-EATING FISH, WHEELCHAIRS, AND GTA, YOUR EMAILS
Jeff J. reacted to yesterday's "fish pedicures" and my vacation teleplay "Sycamore Hill":

"Yes, feet-eating fish are big business. Just ask Steven Spielberg and Peter Benchley with 'Jaws'. I doubt spa patrons remember the opening (esp. the book - 'Bruce' the shark - Spielberg's nickname - attacks the woman's foot / leg first). Hopefully the flesh-eating spa carp are NOT looking to avenge their brothers who wound up in jars of gefilte fish. Please have FJ stick to traditional underpaid pedicurists sitting in uncomfy chairs. Also, thanks for 'Sycamore Hill'. Per your first SH post, I see the 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' influence. I'd toss in 'Desperate Housewives: 20 Years Later' hearts 'Swingtown' (and that free drugs sequence was great), but that's just me. Is there a GTA betting pool to pass time between bingo and weekly Santa Anita trips?"

Jason J. got hooked by the Allegro Medical website, just like me:

"I love the fact that the Rolleez comes with furniture grade PVC - makes me wonder what other grades there are and why they choose to use furniture grade, hmmm…Per the mini piranhas - bottom line is these fish are trying to eat you, trying their little hearts out. A great white takes off a callous and we cry and scream and run for the hills…. Mini Me takes out a bite and we giggle and take a second look at our little pigs..."

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com