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Fake Jane Forgives John Edwards And Proof World Is Askew

Fake Jane
CNBC.com
Fake Jane

Fake Jane has a big, fat headache. The world is spinning too quickly, nothing makes sense anymore, which is why there is some comfort in the old, reliable ego-centric politician thinking he can get away with adultery.

THIS is an animal we know, something familiar in a fast-changing environment, something we cling to, like buying a Big Mac in Beijing. While Real Jane is furious with Sen. John Edwards, Fake Jane figures that, hey, all have sinned, just in different ways and with less publicity. As for the mysterious "other woman," we now know how it all happened. Sort of.

Meantime, proof that the world is askew:

First, small signs of chaos can be gleaned from the business of marketing dish cleaner to males. Adweek claims men are more interested in cooking and cleaning. Fake Jane finds this data suspicious, even though she doesn't actually have a man. The magazine says men shop as often as women for cleaning supplies, childcare products, and cooking utensils, yet those companies are not marketing their products to men beyond the "muy macho" OxiClean way. But this data is easily explained--these men are shopping because their exhausted working wives/mothers are sending them to the store with a list! But Adweek also says a survey on relationships rated "sharing household chores" as the third most important priority for healthy couples, trailing only "faithfulness" (see John Edwards, above) and "a happy sexual relationship."

Ok, WHO rated "sharing chores" that high? Men? REALLY? I, Fake Jane, would bet my three cats that men are prioritizing "sharing household chores" after "only having sex once a month." FJ suspects the chores item rated so high because 99 percent of the women surveyed made it their TOP priority, ahead of faithfulness and sex, which boosted its ranking. Still, former New York Times media writer Andrew Adam Newman believes there is, in fact, new data on the "post-metrosexual", described as a man "who is as happy stir-frying as he is mowing the lawn." Think Bobby Flay. FJ likes to think about Bobby Flay.

But here are three larger signs that society is dorked up.

Exhibit #1: obese Americans are being encouraged to lose weight...IN CYBERSPACE. The San Francisco Chronicle reports that The University of Houston's Texas Obesity Research Center is recruiting 500 obese people from around the world to lose weight in Second Life, www.secondlife.com,the famous online world. (Fake Jane was MADE for Second Life.)Here's the story. Researchers plan to reward obese online characters for losing weight by "walking on treadmills, riding bikes, and trying new fruits and vegetables - in the virtual world. Participants will also compete as teams, earning points for their behavior." So it's "The Biggest Loser" without the hard work. The hope is that new habits for your fake character will encourage new habits for your real self. Hey, if it works.

Exhibit #2: researchers have discovered that "no-nose" bicycle seats "Improve Penile Sensation and Erectile Function in Bicycling Police Officers." You don't say? Perhaps Pfizer's Viagra can actually brand them--"We take the banana out of the banana seat." According the press release, Dr. Irwin Goldstein, who is editor-in-chief of The Journal of Sexual Medicine (the what?) wrote in an article title, "Cutting Off the Nose to Save the Penis," that "This is a landmark study for our field that that is important for future riders..."

Exhibit #3: the business of sex toys goes green. Another story from the SF Chronicle suggests that you can be an "Ecosexual," which doesn't mean you make love to trees. It means your sex life is as green as the rest of your Prius-driving, trash-sorting life. For one thing, you can buy green sex toys, like vegan whips and rechargeable vibrators. Even better, consider recycling those sex toys! The article mentions two websites: www.sextoyrecycling.com, with the slogan "love yourself, love the planet." Check out the "how it works" file. And then there's Love Honey, http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/rabbit-amnesty/ which promises you a coupon towards a new vibrator when you turn in your old one, helping create "ecogasms." You can even see video of the recycling here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUo-NuIGT9U. Watch it if you never want to have sex again.

But you're not really green unless you BUY a recycled sex toy. I. Dare. You.

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