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New Definitions For A "New" Type Of Stock Market

The market leaving you speechless? Here's a new market vocabulary making the rounds. My favorite is the new definition of "profit."

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Chief Fraud Officer.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com