×

Fake Madoff Explains All

Here is one entry in the "Funny Business" contest for best apology/confession/excuse from Fake Bernie Madoff--courtesy of reader Janet Laylor! (FYI, Frank DiPascali worked with Madoff on the investment side of his business).

Please keep 'em coming. I'll choose a winner Christmas Eve, and then figure out a prize. I've currently got the prize money account in an interesting trading strategy involving the S&P, plus puts and calls, I'm told it never loses...

"Dear Ms Wells,

First, I would like to thank you for the opportunity to speak for myself. I think it's important to lay out the facts rather than the truth in a forum where I can't be questioned.

First and foremost, I am totally innocent. This has all been a terrible misunderstanding. All the money is still there. Every penny. And my confession to the FBI? Again, a misunderstanding. Not many people know Frank DiPascali as I do. He's really quite the joker. He's sent strippers posing as SEC investigators to my home on numerous occasions, and I simply thought that the FBI agents were an attempt by him to 'one-up' his previous jokes. My 'confession' was simply playing along with the joke.

Since the entire story seems to have blown up, I think it's time for me to come clean on my financial transactions and how I managed to rack up seemingly incredible returns on my clients investments year after year. Unfortunately, by disclosing this, I fear that my competitors will utilize the same methods and thereby close my formerly lucrative loopholes.

Here is is in a nutshell. Every transaction, EVERY stock purchase, every trade, every put was made on my Discover Card. I paid my credit card bill in full every month with the cash from my clients, so no money was ever misused, and so I got two distinct advantages that allowed me to make a profit from every trade. First, I was able to hold the money until the end of the month, thereby gaining interest (short term t-bills, I can assure you - I would not dream of endangering my client's hard earned money), and at the end of each billing cycle, Discover Card would return almost 2 percent of all my purchases in as a cashback bonus. It's like manna from heaven, but now i fear it's all but dried up.

Oh well. It was good while it lasted. But please, PLEASE be assured, and assure your readers, that ALL the money is safe and sound and that I promise to have a stern talk with Frank about his jokes after this has all been resolved.

'Sincerely' yours,

Bernie 'Madman' Madoff"

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com