Two more entries into the Funny Biz contest on the best apology/confession/excuse from Fake Bernie Madoff (because the real one is presumed innocent until proven guilty). Interesting, none of the Fake Bernies seem very sorry.
From Tom O'Rourke:
I have decided to grant you this exclusive confession, because you strike me as someone who probably would never have been dumb enough to believe the returns I claimed to generate.
Simply, I did what I did because of peer pressure, I just had to fudge the books to keep up with Merrill Lynch, Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers.
I love Obama's pick for SEC Commish, ("Change"- what a pitch!, much credit is due) Mary Schapiro is great, as head of FINRA, she, like the SEC left me alone for YEARS! Have you seen my youtube interview where I say what 'we' would consider an infraction...hilarious to me that so many would miss that. The way I represented that I, too, am the police of the industry.
Mary is the head of FINRA (old NASD) which is really an organization set up to harass/fine the smaller broker dealers, (an) ingenious self-regulatory body to crush competition, invented by guess who?
Merrill Lynch, Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers and 2 other large firms.
(Fake) Bernard Madoff"
And from "Mark":
"Dear Ms. Wells,
I do realize that my comments have had devastating repercussions in the market place. As I have stated before, my company was a market maker. To this end I had to make my comments to make the market do what I wanted. I have now shorted my way to unprecedented wealth for both myself and my clients. In no way did I ever subject my clients' investments to any real danger. Due to the downturn in the market I had to change my tried and true strategy somewhat. I have never been a big fan of shorting stock 'til now.
I would also like to apologize to those who are invested in AIG, Morgan Stanley, GE, GM, BOA, Citi, and several other companies. Due to my unrelenting drive to perform for my clients I may have inadvertently caused some losses for others. In this Holiday Season I wish to ask for forgiveness and do anything possible to help restore investor confidence in the market.
Happy Hanukah, Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year for all.
(Fake) Bernard L. Madoff "
Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email firstname.lastname@example.org