Madoff A Crash Test Dummy: Your Verdicts


We will shortly be posting the top ten suggestions (out of more than 500 emails) for the most creative sentence for Bernard Madoffso you can vote.

The winner gets Bernie Madoff toilet paper.

Some of you have said this cathartic exercise does not fit the name of this blog, "Funny Business". For many people, this is certainly not "funny" in a laughing sort of way. Instead, it's "funny" as in, "I have a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach and I think I'm going to be sick".

A few final thoughts from readers:

Diane L.:"Send him to GM for use as a Crash Test Dummy - when that's finished, give him a skydiving lesson without a parachute."

Derek C. was the first of many who suggested we take a page from "Trading Places": "Strip him, and his wife of everything, and let him walk. To perpetuate this sentence, we will have to reduce his credit score to 530, without the possibility of improvement...Make it a federal offense to assist him in any way. He will be allowed to work, but can never earn more than minimum wage. He will be banned from investing, in any market foreign or domestic, and revoke his passport. Let him see what its like to be stuck in the cycle of poverty..."

Barak P:"Send him to work for the IRS. Maybe his knack for attracting money can help find the other cheats!"

Heather H.: "Official White House Pooper Scooper. The Obama's should have their dog sometime soon and somebody's gotta do it..."

Elizabeth A.:"They should have a WWF Smackdown episode in a caged arena with Madoff and each one of the WWF SuperStars first...and then leave the best for last, his victims."

Rodney B: "This gives a whole new meaning to the movie 'Weekend at Bernie's'. He should be sentenced to house arrest on the weekends in his lavish penthouse where he has cameras on him in every room for the whole world to see. The apartment will be completely gutted and the walls will all be painted black. He would be forced to eat onions and garlic cloves and he would only be allowed to drink vinegar...(he) should have to write one 500 word essay every day to each person that he cheated explaining why he did what he did along with an apology. After he completes his daunting task of writing to each person, he should have to start all over again until the day he dies or until his hand falls off. On weekends he should be shoveled off to each individuals home to where he will then have to dance an Irish Jig for an hour wearing a shirt that says "Bernie is a loser and does nothing right", all along his victims will be throwing water balloons at him that are filled with green dye."

Dominic P "life long suffering cub fan": "Bernie should be hypnotized into becoming a die hard Cub fan and forced to watch every game they play (particularly playoff games) for the rest of his wretched life. The pain and soul wrenching suffering that he will be forced to endure will give him a sense of the anger, hopelessness, frustration and despair he has inflicted on so many others."

Jeff J.:'I'd lock him up for life…in a shopping mall, never leaving the premises. No Nordstrom-anchored urban showpiece or lifestyle center, but a run-down B-level (or worse) center with low-budget me-too stores waaaay out in the suburbs. No Teavana, Starbucks, or Panera, only bad-tasting fakes. He will work as a mall cop / janitor. He must chase after shoplifters and teens on skateboards, clean up spills and barfs, scrape old gum off the terrazzo floor, and haul away truckloads of poopy diapers. Every day. Ruth must work the concierge desk rounding up strollers and telling people for the millionth time where the bathrooms are. Both must overhear teen girl gossip ALL DAY. They will buy all clothes / food on-site on minimum-wage per diem, medical services from drugstore's mini-clinic kiosks, eat only crappy mall court food EVERY DAY (a slow death sentence), and live in empty store spaces (moving around as mall finds new tenants). Even when closed, the mall's loud pop music will blast through the center 24 hours. Even while trying to sleep, Bernie must listen to ALL BRITNEY, ALL THE TIME."

Eric R. says forget Madoff, his wife should be stripped of all assets, and then: "... launch a 'Truman Show'-style reality show following the now-destitute Ruth Madoff 24-hours day...Watch as Ruth sleeps on the streets; watch as Ruth gets in line at a soup kitchen; watch Ruth beg for change; watch Ruth apply for food stamps; watch Ruth apply for a waitress job at a greasy-spoon diner; ultimately, watch Ruth turn to a life of crime as her only way out; and in the ironic surprise ending, watch Ruth wind up in prison. Suggested titles for such a reality show: 'Ruth-less!' or 'The Amazing Disgrace'."

Glenn S.:"Night parole that's right. To work only one job, driving with the rest of the ex-"fund of funds" managers... a New York City cab driver...All net proceeds to got to charitable foundations. His picture and name tag must be clear and present to the riders. No baseball caps allowed. No soliciting anything..EVER..Must be of a professional appearance and smell at all times."

Chuck D. takes the common theme of big, needy cell-mates one step further: "He should be in a four-man cell...(with) roommates who suffer from chronic colitis, snoring and night terrors. This should be in a prison where there is no air conditioning and a highly humid climate, so there will be an abundance of body odor..."

Sheila C. offers Madoff a job: "He could raise chickens for me on my farm in the Ozarks. To get ready for his batch of chickens he will have to clean out the excrement from the last bunch. He can wade in the slimy mess shoveling it away from under the water line and away from the walls then into the manure spreader. When the little critters arrive he can shovel feed in the 98 degree houses to 100,000 chicks. Of course he will have to pick up carcasses of the chicks that don't make it and put them in the compost pile, keeping it turned so the maggots and mold can do it's job. Maggots, excrement, slime, mold, dead meat, he will feel like he is on Wall Street again. Oh, bring the wife!!"

Darry R.: "Christmas fishing with Scott Peterson."

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