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Janice Dickinson, Our Best W.M.D.

Janice Dickinson on NBC's "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!"
Source: NBC
Janice Dickinson on NBC's "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!"

I know these are serious times. Iran, North Korea, Al Qaeda. PETA. The President is searching for the right tone, hoping to be tough, but not needlessly provocative, unless dealing with a fly. He really would hurt a fly.

My natural response to such drama is to search for solutions in a TV show.

Reality TV has become big business by bringing viewers extremes--extremes in talent, cunning, self-absorption, and outrageous behavior. But one show reveals America's secret weapon: Janice Dickinson. The self-described "World's First Supermodel" has shown herself to be a potent, lethal Medusa while competing on NBC's "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!"

Yes, I watch the show. Didn't plan to, but I tuned in for five minutes and never looked back. In earlier episodes, "Speidi" (uber-brats Spencer and Heidi Pratt) made headlines being obnoxious. They even turned an interview with Al Roker into a controversy, which may be a first. How toxic do you have to be for Al Roker to morph into Mike Wallace? Unlike Speidi, Dickinson isn't self-destructive. She's just destructive.

She's blunt. She's bold. She cajoles. She steals. She has the hygiene habits of an 8-year-old boy. She's lazy. She's smart. Mostly, she's a force to be reckoned with. Even four-time NBA champion John Salley shrinks under her Botox-without-makeup glare.

I say we make her our Special Envoy to the Axis of Evil. The handful of you who follow me on Twitter already know that I believe Dickinson is our best weapon of mass destruction. This 54-year-old WMD can stun the world's bad guys within ten seconds of opening her mouth, just long enough to put them off their guard so she can complete her mission.

Smuggle Dickinson into Tehran to force a recount on a slack-jawed Ahmadinejad. Send her to Pyongyang to hunt down Kim Jong Il and scare the kimchee out of him as he confronts the one person who's nuttier than he is. Finally, drop her from a B-52 over Afghanistan and she'll come back with Osama's head in 48 hours after irritating him to death.

Where's THAT reality show?

PRESIDENT OBAMA MURDERS FLY

As the entire world knows by now, President Obama killed a pesky flyduring an interview with our John Harwood Tuesday. No one can remember anything the President said about health care, but we sure do recall his incredible hand-eye coordination. I joked at the time that PETA would probably be outraged. It is.

PETA President Ingrid Newkirk tells CNBC, "He isn't the Buddha, he's a human being and human beings have a long way to go before they think before they act." Looks to me like the President actually did think a lot before he acted. He thought about being very still to lure the fly near him so he could get rid of it. Mission accomplished.

While he may not be the Buddha, debate continues over whether he's the Second Coming or the Anti-Christ.

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com