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Johns Hopkins Goes Hog Wild Over Swine Flu

Piglet
Piglet

As if the nation's pork producers aren't angry enough over "swine flu", suffering blame in name only for a pandemic that doesn't have much to do with pigs.

Now one of the premiere universities in the country is poking a little fun at the H1N1 virus, and leaving the swine industry feeling like a pig in a poke.

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Johns Hopkins has come up with a suggested "glossary for students" for discussing the flu.

"A new disease demands a new dictionary," the press release says.

So here are some of the suggested terms "for campus conversations about the H1N1 pandemic":

Pig: A student ill with suspected or presumed H1N1 flu. (Variation: Piglet: a sick freshman.)

Pig in a blanket: A sick student complying with doctor's advice to stay home, drink fluids and get plenty of rest.

Glazed ham: A pig with fever sweats.

Pig Latin: A sick student's Classics homework.

Pig pen: A sick student's room, where he or she stays until 24 hours without fever, off of fever medication.

Bacon: What a pig experiencing an H1N1 fever feels like, i.e., fried. (Usage: Doctor: "Pig, how are you feeling today?" Pig: "Like bacon, doc.")

Pork barrel: Derogatory term for an entire residence hall afflicted with H1N1 (knock on wood that never happens!).

Hog blog: the university's flu information Web site.

Hog tide: Alcohol-based hand sanitizer.

Hogwash: Washing hands frequently and thoroughly, with either hog tide or plain old soap and water.

Trough: A dining hall, where unsanitary pigs could easily transmit the H1N1 virus if they share drinks, utensils, etc.

Pig tale: The story of the aches and pains a pig experienced while sick with H1N1.

Sleeze: to sneeze properly (into one's sleeve) when a tissue isn't handy.

I'm sure hog farmers everywhere are howling with laughter.

Sleeze, indeed!

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