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Run, Jane, Run

The flurry of suggested campaign slogans for my fake run for Governoronce again proves that this nation can pull together in a common purpose.

Yesterday, Republican candidate Steve Poizner tried to convince me (not really) to run as Lt. Governor—a sort of running mate. Who wants to be Lt. Governor? I want the whole enchilada. Only with the power of the Governor’s office can I champion the real issues of California, like too many people wearing Ed Hardy shirts.

Jane for Governor
CNBC.com
Jane for Governor

What party should I seek a nomination from?

We don’t want a real party.

We want a partying party.

One friend suggested that while other places have started “tea parties”, I should start The Teavage Party.

“Teavage” is a word I invented on Twitter a while back to describe a hint of teasing cleavage. I think it’s the perfect party for California, where everything, even cleavage, needs to throttle back.

As for my campaign proposal to tax human muffin tops to generate immediate revenues and encourage people to “cover up or pay up”, our own Melissa Francissays this is one “pork belly proposal I can get behind!” A celebrity endorsement!

I’m still taking suggested campaign (or cam-pain?) slogans. Tomorrow, I will put my favorites up for a vote.

Potential nominees coming into the Funny Business email box or on my Twitter accountinclude:

  • RUN, JANE, RUN
  • OTHERS WILL, WELLS WON’T
  • JANE FEELS YOUR PAIN
  • PUT A COUGAR IN SACRAMENTO
  • VOTE FOR JANE: SHE’S HOTTER THAN DUTCH LOVE (see my earlier blog on the meaning of this)
  • JANE FOR GOVERNOR, CALIFORNIA--AT LEAST I CAN PRONOUNCE IT
  • DON’T BE LAME, VOTE FOR JANE
  • WELLS has FAR to GO
  • RAISE CAIN, VOTE FOR JANE
  • VOTE FOR JANE: TWO BOOBS ARE BETTER THAN ONE
  • JANE FOR GOV: LET’S GET FISCAL
  • ALL’S WELLS THAT ENDS WELLS
  • JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT

Last one too much, maybe?

Keep ‘em coming.

Meantime, more policy suggestions from you to me. It should be no surprise that many of these new California Teavage Party voters want to tax people who bother them. Initiatives include:

  • Taxing celebrities based on their level of self-importance.
  • Capital punishment for anyone over 30 riding a scooter, with roommates, living in the marina in San Francisco going to the Laundromat.
  • End the “jegging” trend
  • $100 fine for any Californian using, “I’m, like,” instead of “I said.” Same for anyone texting LOL or LMAO.
  • Force the legislature, if late on a budget, to eat only from the school lunch menu until a budget is passed.
  • Establish a ridiculously high fine for telling anyone in L.A. they can get wherever they are going in 20 minutes.
  • Inspections and permits for bikinis.
  • $100 “D-bag tax” on all Ed Hardy, Von Dutch or Affliction gear.
  • Tax skinny jeans, mesh t-shirts, and tube tops.
  • Human muffin tops, when combined with wearing pajama bottoms in public, carries a double fine. A second strike if wearing UGGs.

I’m not usually a supporter of taxes, but I kinda like what I see. Imagine how quickly we could fill California’s $20 billion gap!

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com