×

“Private Placement” Has a Whole New Meaning Now

Warning. Adult content ahead.

I guess working for the SEC can be pretty dull. So dull that one employee allegedly tried to get through a porn-blocking firewall SIXTEEN THOUSAND TIMES.

Late night comedians can have fun with this, but few of them probably know what the SEC does.

Bill Singer knows. Singer is a lawyer and Forbes contributor whose resume includes former general counsel to the Independent Broker-Dealer Association and former member of the NASD Chairman's Advisory Group. He advocates better regulation of Wall Street.

The porn accusations stirred his creative juices, as it were, and Singer has released a "memo" to SEC Chair Mary Schapiro on his blog, identifying himself as a "self-appointed consultant" proposing "remedies".

"It has come to my attention that members of the SEC's Staff may be operating under a misimpression concerning a number of industry terms," Singer writes. "Please ensure that the following expressions are properly explained to your Staff."

Here are a few of the expressions Singer believes need clarifying:

Initial Public Offering: this is not the first sexual experience with a prostitute.

Indication of Interest: this is not the negotiation of price with a prostitute

Private Placement: this is not a consensual sex act between adults

Regular Way Settlement: this is not the missionary position

The Quiet Period: this is not the post-coital moment

Naked Short: this is not an undressed male Staffer on a cold day

I did not list all of the definitions. I think you can figure out "Pump and Dump", "Secondary Offering" and "The Spread" on your own. However, Singer does have a few final thoughts. "The SEC must immediately cancel any contemplated seminars with the Thailand securities authorities," he warns. "This would not be a good time for Staff to be visiting Bangkok."

More Funny Business:

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com