×

BP—The Movie (Casting by Jane Wells)

It isn't a question of "if" the BP oil spill movie will be made, but when. Since I live in Hollywood, it is my duty to help with casting.

Over the weekend, I canvassed friends and followers on Facebook and Twitter www.twitter.com/janewells for suggestions.

Here are my picks:

Tony Hayward (L) & Michael Sheen (R)
Getty Images
Tony Hayward (L) & Michael Sheen (R)

BP CEO Tony Hayward: Michael Sheen. The British actor has already played Tony Blair and David Frost, so he knows how to do real people. Sheen and Hayward also kind of look alike, and his last name—Sheen—is ironic, given the plot. However, one person suggested Colin Firth, which would definitely work.

Firth could bring a certain stiff, uncomfortable Darcy-esque flavor to the part, which would bring in a large female audience. He might end up making Hayward a romantic figure. Other suggestions include Hugh Grant, Paul Reubens as PeeWee Herman and Rowan Atkinson of Mr. Bean fame.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal: Aziz Ansari. The Governor's not happy with BP, and the comic actor chimed in with his feelings at the MTV Movie Awards Sunday night (warning—language).

However, someone suggested Sendhil Ramamurthy of "Heroes" for the role, which would certainly increase the hotness factor. Another person wants the part played by M. Night Shyamalan, "just so he can't direct it."

Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour: John Goodman.

Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen: John Goodman.

Plaquemines Parish President Billy Nungesser: John Goodman, though Daniel Baldwin could do the role.

Residents of Louisiana: John Goodman and the rest of the cast from "Treme".

Oil rig workers: Russell Crowe. Matt Damon. You get the picture.

Former MMS director Elizabeth Birnbaum: Kathy Bates.

President Barack Obama: Don Cheadle. This one is tough for me, because I keep thinking of Fred Armisen from Saturday Night Live. Other suggested actors for the role include Jamie Foxx and Will Smith.

There's news out that Erin Brockovich plans to meet with Louisiana residents who may be falling ill due to the spill and cleanup. While it seems natural to see Julia Roberts reprising her Oscar-winning role, I want to go in a new direction. My choice: Felicity Huffman.

The PR people hired by BP: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifiankis.

Jane Wells, blogging snarkily from afar: Gwyneth Paltrow was suggested, though I'm not sure she's hot enough.

Perhaps I'm going in the wrong direction here. One friend says the movie has "gotta feature a back-channel global conspiracy—Colin Farrell, Pacino, De Niro and...R. Redford."

Who would direct? "James Cameron," says colleague Bertha Coombs. Makes sense. The EPA has already consulted him about the spill, and he knows a thing or two about doing movies where the environment is threatened.

Finally, who would play the spill itself? Someone suggested "John Locke as the 'Oil Monster'," referring to the character on "Lost" played by Terry O'Quinn. However, I'm recommending former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich as the spewing gusher which can't be turned off.

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com