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Women: Saving A Fortune Living A Lie

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Remember when the Wonder Bra changed everything? It enhanced a woman's profile while saving her the expense of surgery.

It was also a lie.

Women, however, don't often have a problem with that. Fooling others about the true state of our figures is a huge business. Think corsets and bustles.

These days, why do crunches when you can buy Spanx?

Apparently every part of the female anatomy can now be fixed with the right piece of clothing. This is important, because what others consider attractive is a moving target. For example, women spent decades trying to make their derrieres look slimmer. Now, it's all about Kim Kardashian and Beyonce. Want those kinds of curves without doing squats? Buy a Booty Pop, padded underwear which looks kind of like an adult diaper gone wrong.

"Hollywood's hottest new trade secret!" declares the popular infomercial. You laugh? The company reportedly expects to sell a million of them this year at $20 a...booty...pop.

It doesn't end there.

Don't like your arms? Too "droopy"? The NuBod Arm Shaper squeezes your flesh into super tight sleeves, claiming to reduce the circumference of your upper arm by up to four inches. Think of them as jegging sleeves (jeeves?).

The hope is to convince women that squeezing and padding can transform one from Jane Wells to Sofia Vergara. However, you're being as honest with the public about the true state of your figure as the women wearing burqas — only a whole lot sexier. While it's cheaper to fix your figure this way than paying for a gym membership or plastic surgery, I foresee only one huge problem (besides the look of horror on your date's face when he discovers you haven't been completely straight with him). The problem is that all these products pressing into one's body to squeeze and shape it forces the excess flesh elsewhere. Something's gotta give. It's Newtonian law. So if every force is met by an equal and opposite force, I'm predicting massive cankle outbreaks, or, as one reader suggests, it'll all end up in our eyelids. The burqa has its advantages...

On another note...

My weekend Funny Business extra: There's an auction of Beatles memorabilia this weekend in the UK. One of the items up for bid is John Lennon's toilet. It's expected someone will flush down as much as $1,500 to buy it.

Imagine.

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