What Do You Have To Do To Get Fired By The FBI Anyway?

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Apparently, it takes a lot to get fired by the FBI.

Here is a list of a few things that will not, according to a CNN report, get you fired—if you work for The Federal Bureau of Investigations:

  • Getting drunk and obnoxious at a strip club. (Seriously?)
  • Using FBI computers to look up 'hot' celebrity's files (Like, seriously seriously?)
  • Sleeping with a source. (Sadly, most of my sources are men in their mid-sixties.)
  • Viewing 'pornographic movies in the office' while 'satisfying' one's self. (I just hope that guy has a hard-walled office—not a cubicle.)
  • Using government computers to look up 'friends' who are 'foreign nationals employed as exotic dancers'. (Can someone please tell me how to meet foreign nationals employed as exotic dancers? If I can pull that one off, I will never perform any illegal background checks. On anyone. Ever. I promise. Scouts honor.)
  • Blackmailing a 'news reporter' girlfriend by threatening to 'release a sex tape' of her. (Maybe the rest of the items on the list are just clean fun—but this one actually sounds like a felony.)

All of the above actions will get you a short suspension from the FBI—ranging from 20 to 40 days.

(Which, when you think about it, is just enough time to lie on a beach in the Caribbean—then return home for a little R&R before heading back to the job—refreshed.)

Any of that stuff would be enough to get me fired from CNBC post-haste.

In fact, I think I could probably get fired for a good deal less. But I'm certain that anything involving booze and strippers and blackmail would get me on the no-fly list at CNBC's corporate campus for the rest of my natural life. In fact, I'm pretty sure GE would have my Englewood Cliffs privileges revoked entirely. (And I mean 'revoked' in that scary Mr. Marcellus from Pulp Fiction kind of way.)

The FBI, it seems, takes a somewhat softer line: "We understand that employees can make mistakes, will make mistakes. When appropriate, we will decide to remove an employee. When we believe that an employee can be rehabilitated and should be given a second chance, we do that."

(It does sound like a nice place to work. In theory at least. Until the guy in the cube next to you—well, you get the picture.)

Finally, according to a spokesperson:

"The vast majority of our employees do not lie," Will said. "The vast majority of our employees do not cheat. The vast majority of our employees do not steal. The vast majority of our employees do not engage in the type of misconduct you are describing. There is an occasional employee who will engage in such misconduct, and that employee will answer for it."

I suppose that ought to reassure us.



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