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Shut Up, Already

Funny Business App of the Week!

I was stuck at O'Hare airport for five hours yesterday. So was everyone else. I pondered the question: where are there more people today, China or O'Hare? And I promised never, ever ever to complain about LAX again.

At one point, someone sat down next to me, Bluetooth in full display, and began a heated business conversation about some "deal." He was loud. He revealed too much. He wouldn't shut up. He clearly wasn't letting the person on the other end of the conversation get in a word edgewise.

smiley face
smiley face

I moved.

Near my second location, a woman was laughing hysterically with a friend. They were trying to make the best of a long day. But her friend couldn't get two words out before the woman would start up again with the guffawing, which sounded a bit like someone goosing a giraffe. Not that I know what that sounds like.

I wanted to hit her.

That's when I began seriously considering paying a whopping $4.99 for an iPhone app called the Talk-o-Meter. The app appears to be from Germany, as Germans are the only people on Earth who talk louder than Americans.

"Some people don't realize when they dominate others in a discussion," says the product description. The Talk-o-Meter helps by detecting different voices and then measuring who talks the most. The results are displayed on screen.

Oh wait, what's this? "For best results, this App should be used in a low noise environment."

That would not be O'Hare.

Speaking of people who won't be quiet: No one seems to want to be around Newt Gingrich. How bad is it? A Craigslist entry in Washington, DC reads:

"Veteran politician seeking campaign manager and staff for presidential bid."

The listing says candidates must possess:

- Narcissism: Extreme indifference to ideology and core beliefs. Must be willing to throw other candidates and party allies under the bus at any given moment.

- Insouciance: Hardened indifference to eyebrow-raising moments of debased behavior, especially if involving extramarital dalliances at times of spousal illness.

- Patience: Expect candidate to frequently go on vacation, put very little effort into campaign and blame staff for shortcomings.

- Exceptional writing skills, preferably in dramatic interpretation.

- Washington, D.C. residents preferred.

The listing was pulled down once the joke was discovered. I guess it was a joke. Given the oddball nature of Gingrich's campaign, perhaps this was part of his "outside the box" thinking for 2012.

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com