I consider it my duty to keep you informed of the upcoming end of the world. The signs are everywhere.
Cows text farmers when they're in heat.
What's next? Cats call when they'd like to go dancing? Swiss dairymensay they've implanted cows with sensors which send a text message wirelessly when a cow is in heat.
As @ButterflyRachel tweeted, "Women have been telepathically doing that for millennia." Once the farmer receives the texts, he sends a direct message via Facebook to the local bull ordering him to get to work. I'm kidding about the last part. I think.
Beer pong goes galactic.
A company is now taking reservations to go to the edge of the Earth's atmosphere ... to drink beer.
"One small thirst for man, one giant first for mankind." The $95,000 tour includes the space flight, a couple days prepping for it, "introduction to consuming liquids in space," Vostok Space Beer, and "one hell of a party afterwards." If we are on the verge of the apocalypse, there are worse ways to go.
The Mile High Club has fallen on hard times.
First, your seat comes loose on the American Airlines 757 you're flying. (Read More: More Loose American Airlines Seats Found.)
Now, you can't even get into the bathroom on a long international flight. Why? It's not because somebody's in there having a good time with somebody else. More likely, an artist named Nina Katchadourian is in there taking pictures of herself with lavatory items draped over her "in the Flemish style."
The results are hilarious, if you have a sick sense of humor like I do. And sick senses of humor are signs of the apocalypse.
George Clooney can't keep a girlfriend.
The hunky Hollywood leading man seemingly switches women more often than the Jets switch quarterbacks mid-drive. Clooney may be back on the market again after a reported breakup with Stacy Keibler, a story treated as "Breaking News" on the Baltimore Sunhomepage Wednesday. Regulators may get involved, as being a Clooney girlfriend gives new meaning to High Frequency Trading.
BUT TAKE HEART, THERE'S HOPE
Just when you thought it was time to hitch a ride on the Beer In Space rocket and get out of Dodge before the Earth collapses, here's a story which makes everything right with the world.
It's about the best homemade Halloween costume ever. It's an ice cream truck, created by a father for his son, who suffers from spina bifida. The wheelchair bound boy is dressed as a Good Humor man driving the truck, wearing a very snappy uniform.
Maybe the world's not ending quite yet.
—By CNBC's Jane Wells
Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email firstname.lastname@example.org