Funny Business Gifts 2010
Need a heartwarming gift for the holidays? Searching for something cute and cuddly?
You’ve come to the wrong place.
As we move past an ugly election, through a foreclosure meltdown, and into an uncertain new year, we’re all a little bit more cynical.
So for this year’s Funny Business Gift Guide, we found some gift ideas that fit the times—silly, snarky, and a little sick.
Click ahead to get started!
By Jane Wells
Posted 17 Nov 2010
Heenes Bear Scratch
Price: $19.99
Just when you thought they were gone. The Heenes, made infamous when they claimed their “Balloon Boy” son took flight, are now selling the “Bear Scratch,” a tree-like back-scratching device.
“If you itch like a son of a twitch, then you need my latest invention, the patent pending Bear Scratch!” shouts formerly incarcerated dad Richard Heene. At one point in the promotional videohe literally screams at you.
Heene promises to donate some pre-Thanksgiving profits to the Salvation Army. “They were there when I needed them.”
Break Up Ornaments
Price: $8.50
Were you romantic enough to buy one of those “Our First Christmas” ornaments back when you fell in love? Later did your soulmate turn out to be a total jerk? Celebrate “The End…really” with a special breakup ornament for the tree.
There’s even a political version: President Barack Obama breaking up with Uncle Sam.
Speaking of political gifts…
NObama Countdown Clock
Price: $9.95
You’re unhappy with the President, Rick Santelli? You still have time—at least two more Christmases after this one—to buy the keychain clock counting down the days until the end of the Obama administration’s first—and potentially only—term. See the NObama clock here.
Disappearing Civil Liberties Mug
Price: $12.00
Watch the Bill of Rights disappear from the side of a mug as you fill it with your morning cup ‘o’ joe. This gift works no matter which end of the political spectrum you’re on.
Either you’re on the left, and the Bush-era Patriot Act began the process of making your civil liberties vanish, or you’re on the right, and the current President is robbing you of your freedoms. A win-win for the politically split household!
Homeland Security Cologne
Price: $7.99
Decoy gift boxes have been a huge hit for The Onion, which always has a large assortment of holiday gifts.Decoy boxes are empty, but their covers make them look like there’s something “special” inside.
New this year is the Department of Homeland Security Cologne:“The Best Way To Be Singled Out For A Very, VERY Thorough Search.”
The cologne is “Formulated by the personal perfumier to Janet Napolitano,” and contains “essential oils of capsacin, sandalwood, eagle tears, non-Lebanon cedar, and guns.” Alas, the box is empty. There is no such cologne. Yet the warning is helpful: “If you smell something, say something.”
Underwater Cell Phone Case
Price: $7.99
Sadly, this is a decoy too. (The Onion is making a tidy profit, selling empty boxes for $7.99!).
The Underwater Cell Phone Case leads the gift recipient to believe that he or she is getting a special product that allows a phone to work 15-feet underwater.
“Now you can check your messages on a scuba diving vacation!” Um, not really.
The Onion Dining Calendar
Price: $22.99
I’m a sucker for food calendars, even though I can’t really cook. Perfect for me, and new this year, is a calendar celebrating The Onion’s favorite food & dining headlines.
Monthly headlines include “Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He's Saving For Last,” “New, Delicious Species Discovered,” and “Man At Very Top Of Food Chain Chooses Bugles.”
Everything Is Funnier With....Bacon!
Bacon Hot Sauce: $7.99
Hand-Painted Silk Bacon Scarf: $56.99
"Do you love bacon? Do you love hot sauce? You'll love bacon hot sauce!" So reads the pitch on ThinkGeekfor the latest culinary "match made in heaven."
This is the perfect product for those who believe the taste of bacon improves everything, even though there is no real bacon in it. "You know the expression 'When Pigs Fly'?" say the website's authors. "That's what chicken wings dipped in Bacon Hot Sauce tastes like. Impossibly good."
Hot sauce not your style? Spice up your wardrobe instead with this hand-painted silk bacon scarf.After all, accessories can make or break an outfit. Or as the pitch says, "You'll look good enough to eat! Nom nom phe-nom-enal."
Lose Your Own Adventure
Price: $12.95
Despair.com, famous for its Demotivator posters mocking corporate teamwork, is out with a new product this holiday. It's launching a special series of books called "Lose Your Own Adventure",patterned after those old kids books where you, the reader, are continually faced with a series of choices. Based on the choice made, you skip ahead to a certain page.
Here, every choice is a disaster. There are no right answers, only wrong ones.
The first book is called "Who Killed John F. Kennedy?", which turns out to be "Utterly Unsolvable!" Despair describes it as a whodunit which "hides its world-crushing defeatism inside the whimsical veneer of a good old fashion children's gamebook."
Dramatic Chipmunk Painting
Price: $38.95
Finally, it may be the greatest five-second video in YouTube history, titled “Dramatic Chipmunk.”Three years and 24 million views later, you can permanently capture the panicked nut-lover in an oil painting. “Yes, we know it’s really a prairie dog,” writes the seller.
