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An A-Z of Scotland post-independence

The prospect of an independent Scotland might flummox a foreign visitor. So it's lucky this financial – and slightly tongue-in-cheek -- A to Z of what's in store for the country after a 'Yes' vote has turned up…

A - Alex - the official unit of currency (named after SNP leader Salmond). Largely superseded by an informal bartering system, where one barrel of oil buys 10 farmed salmon, which in turn buy 50 deep-fried Mars bars.

B - Bank - ancient and outmoded institution now found largely south of the border, due to having balance sheets more than 10 times the size of Scotland's economy.

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C - Capital - not Edinburgh, but the stuff that's flown, a worrying £17 billion ($27 billion) in the past month.

Members of Generation Yes - a youth and students campaign for a Yes vote in Scotland's independence referendum -  as they help campaign for the Yes vote in Glasgow, Scotland.
Getty Images
Members of Generation Yes - a youth and students campaign for a Yes vote in Scotland's independence referendum - as they help campaign for the Yes vote in Glasgow, Scotland.

D - Double-entry book-keeping - practice of counting the revenues from dwindling North Sea oil without considering the clean-up costs, all the time insisting there are 24 billion barrels left -- versus the 15-16 billion bandied about by experts such as Sir Ian Wood, Shell, BP.

E - Economy - who cares about that? Especially once Scotland's reneges on its £143 billion share of UK national debt ( see Z below)

F- Food prices, higher at Asda, Marks & Spencer, Waitrose etc, except for staples like haggis, cock-a-leekie soup and Scotch eggs (now renamed Extra Scotch Eggs). Everything else, stock up at the border.

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G - Garbage Fees - originally add-on costs associated with mortgages, now used more generally to denote tips to Edinburgh removal men for relocation of RBS, Lloyds, Standard Life etc

H - High Net Worth Individual - now abroad. Maybe even including J.K. Rowling, who warned that healthcare and biomedical research will come under threat in a sawn-off Scotland.

I - Import Duty - going up, what with that exit –at least temporarily -- from the European Union.

J - J Curve - Straight out of the textbook: a theory stating that a country's trade deficit will worsen initially after the depreciation of its currency because higher prices on foreign imports will be greater than the reduced volume of imports.

K - KPW (North Korean Won) - currency peg for the Alex, reflecting Kim-Jong Un's support for independent Scotland because his people "like the taste of whisky".

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L- Loch Ness Monster – the new Scotland Finance Minister. Rarely spotted.

M – Ministy of Defence - Gone AWOL, like those Trident submarines, whose absence from the River Clyde removes Scotland from NATO.

N - Nine point two (9.2 per cent), Scotland's share of UK GDP. At £145 billion, this puts its global economic influence on par with Pakistan and Qatar.

O - Oatmeal - lunch (and dinner too once the oil revenues, on which 15 per cent of tax take relies, dry up)

P - Private equity - big investors in Aberdeen oil services companies but largely immune from looming tax changes.

Q - Quebec, now twinned with Edinburgh, and template for capital flight - even if the French Canadian providence narrowly avoided independence.

R - Royal Bank of Scotland, now neither royal or Scottish but grappling with £5.6 billion pension funding gap. Meanwhile, an independent Scotland will shell out £400 million to set up new benefits system disentangled from UK Department of Work and Pensions.

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S – Scotcoin: a growing alternative to the 'Alex', as bitcoin lookalike doesn't need a central bank at all.

T- Trust, vanishing as the 42 investment trusts based in Scotland, like Alliance Trust, look to relocate.

U- Universities. Still free, but under pressure as the proud new government sets about the nation's 3 per cent budget deficit.

V - Vandalism And Malicious Mischief Insurance. Vital for properties that are not occupied, like most of Edinburgh's financial district.

W - The Windsors. Alex Salmond may call Queen Elizabeth II the "Queen of Scots", but everyone knows she's not amused.

X - X-Ray machines, more see-through than ever as Scotland is forced to cut health spending by £1 billion a year to tackle its deficit.

Y - Yoof. The 109,533 16- and 17-year-olds given the vote, even though they'd be booted out of the boozer. 90pc registered to vote. Sobriety not tested.

Z - ZZZ - Scotland's new credit rating if it reneges on its UK debts and SNP's former deputy leader Jim Sillars delivers his "day of reckoning" to pro-union companies. Otherwise might enjoy the same rating, Moody's reckons, as Botswana.

- By CNBC's Helia Ebrahimi