DON'T talk about fantasy football. It's basically Dungeon and Dragons for jocks. We already heard you bragging about who you drafted in the 7th round (insert yawn) back in August. When you talk about trading imaginary players instead of trading stocks, it screams: LOW BALL ME!
DON'T make a speech at the holiday party. I saw a younger guy do this once and it went over like a fart in church. Nobody cares what you think and you're not that funny.
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DON'T leave your resume on the copier or printer. 'Nuff said.
DON'T hit reply all – EVER!
DON'T talk to your boss's boss. Nothing good can come from it.
DON'T drop your half-eaten burrito in someone else's garbage can. If you don't want to smell that stank burrito, what makes you think I do? And put the damn cream cheese away in the kitchen when you're done using it! Any and all food offenses on Wall Street are punishable by death and it COULD get back to the boss.
DON'T lobby for an invite to the Super Bowl party. There will be plenty of time to do that in January once the check clears.
DON'T announce any big purchases. If you talk about your new Range Rover and upcoming vacation to Necker Island, it will appear that you might not need the bonus as much as others.
DON'T do cocaine for three days straight and then fake a mugging. Trust me…
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DON'T threaten to leave because everyone knows you aren't leaving until you have another offer. Idle threats = Spiteful bosses.
DON'T pick a fight with your nemesis. You must pretend to be a team player. If you want to seek revenge, break into his apartment and poke tiny pin holes into his condoms.
DON'T talk to the press AND definitely DON'T call yourself an "uberconsumer." Do I really need to explain this? You may recall Phil Potter: He was the 25-year old hot shot who went from being featured in a New York Times article to the back of a milk carton over a weekend.
Commentary by Turney Duff, a former trader at the hedge fund Galleon Group. Duff chronicled the spectacular rise and fall of his career on Wall Street in the book, "The Buy Side." The paperback edition comes out June 17 and Sony bought the TV/movie rights to the book. Duff is currently working on his second book, a Wall Street novel. Follow him on Twitter @turneyduff.