Hilton's checkout time: She is free at last. Now we'll see if Paris Hilton has truly changed. Talk about the opportunity of a lifetime. She checked into jail as the most reviled woman in America. While there, her silence bought her some sympathy. What now? Will the "new Paris" become more like Princess Di, less like Anna Nicole? More Angelina, less Britney? Personally, I hope she surprises us all.
Meantime, we have not changed, readers. And part of me thanks you for that.
In the official "Funny Business" blog contest to suggest how Paris can "rebrand" herself, you have been as insightful and cutting as ever! Here are some of the nominees for the prize winning CNBC coffee mug:
From Brad in Indianapolis:
"I believe Ms. Hilton should approach the Hilton board of directors and offer to change her last name to that of a competitor. She could then stop damaging the Hilton brand and begin inflicting damage on the competition. Tomorrow's headline might be 'Paris Marriott in trouble again!' If this is successful she could threaten other large cities with changing her name to their city unless they cough up adequate compensation for her trust fund. Los Angeles, how much is it worth to you to not have her named 'L.A. Hilton,' how much would the British pay to avoid 'London Hilton'?"
From Phil in Miami:
"Paris Hilton should have herself photographed with the hottest stud of the summer: iPhone. We can all watch to see if she can turn it on. Possible captions: Heiress and Wireless; Smart Phone and Dumb Phony; Touch and No Touch."
From Neil S.:
"Paris should form a housekeeping and beauty tips TV program with partner Martha Stewart called, 'Tips from the Big House.' Segments should include 'Doing makeup without a mirror' and 'The proper curtains for windows with bars.' She should also have Ken Lay's widow as part of a special 'Boomer's' segment, 'Keeping beautiful after the money's gone.'
Other readers suggested she just go away, that I just go away. Some of you wrote suggestions I can't print. You know who you are. A few of you actually had some serious, thoughtful suggestions. Dave M. suggested Paris become an anti-drunk driving advocate ("Seize the moment, Paris!"), a couple of you suggest she becomes a nun, one even said she should move to Calcutta a la Mother Theresa.
From Sheldon in Port Townsend, WA: "Perhaps she could lead an elite group of young celebrity philanthropists. Think of the money and awareness they could raise for say children with cancer. Lindsay, Tara, Nichole and whoever else runs with that group could really re-invent themselves with such a spiritual endeavor." NO KIDDING, SHEL!
By the way, so far all the entries are from guys. What's up with that?
I will choose the winner tomorrow--first prize is the aforementioned CNBC mug. Second prize is...nothing. Hey, I work in a bureau. It's not to late to enter! Email me at email@example.com.
Comments? Funny Stories? Email firstname.lastname@example.org