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The Hegedus Report On Baseball: Who Cares?

There are allot of topics floating around in the air in the coffee shop here in Sandusky, Ohio. The Mitchell Report on steroids in major league baseballranks, well, it doesn't.

Not in the top ten. Why? Maybe it's too long. So I submit for you perusal, "The Hegedus Report on Anabolic Steroids in Major League Baseball". See, already that's too long. How about we just call it "Juiced Millionaires in Funny Socks".

Results of our investigation:

1. Are there steroids being used in major league baseball?

Yes.

2. Does, and did, everybody know there were steroids in major league baseball?

Yes.

3. Did the owners, media, managers, beer sellers and fans care if there were steroids being used in major league baseball?

No. They care if their kids are using steroids, they care if their friends are using steroids. But do they care if a bunch of very wealthy marginally intelligent grown men want to shrink their testicles to the size of cranberries and blow their heads up like Dumbo so that they can throw the ball 5 miles an hour faster?

4. Will it have a negative "economic impact" on "the game"?

No. Losing has a negative impact on "the game".

Recommendations:

1. Ban all drugs of any sort from the locker room, bathroom, training room. Only aspirin is allowed, unless you have a note from your Mother. And your Mother can't be named 'Conte'.
2. Ban all personal trainers, strength coaches, hangers on, from the locker room, press box, field, stadium. Make the players do push ups instead.
3. Test randomly, often, and communally. Everyone is assigned a urinal. It has your name on it. You're responsible for whatever pee ends up in it.
4. You test positive, you're done. Period. That way you don't have to worry about a second and third test. You test positive in the real world you end up in the Michael Vick Memorial Wing at your local lock up.
5. Cut salaries. Too much money, too much pressure to make money, too many rich guys like John Henry and the like who want to have a toy and are willing to pay whatever they need to keep it. That's what drives steroid use. New salary scale--$100,000 bucks for a fielder. $120,000 for a pitcher. $85,000 for a manager. Tickets are $20, $10 and $5. Let's see who plays and owns for the "love of the game" now.

Conclusions: The simple solution is to get a Commissioner who has some, well you know. Come to think of it, maybe Bud Selig has been using steroids. His cranberries could use some enlarging. Oh, can we find George Mitchell a real job please?

"MOA" is traveling in the snow. It's all Santa Claus all the time next week. See you on the sleigh.

Questions? Comments? mikeonamerica@nbcuni.com