If you've hung with me this far during the "read my screenplay because I'm on vacation and wanted to put something on the blog" experiment, you are truly my friends. Sick, but friends. Today, the "Boomers and Beyond" who live at the 55-years-and-old complex known as "Sycamore Hill" show us how to party. Again, much of what is portrayed here is based on true stories.
ACT II
Scene D
FADE IN:
INT. COMMUNITY ROOM
RESIDENTS ARE GATHERED FOR A SOCIAL, WITH PUNCH,
FOOD, MUSIC, AND DANCING. RANDOLPH VAN RYAN, THE DAPPER (POSSIBLY GAY) PAINTER, IS DANCING WITH GERTIE.
MAYVENE STANDS TO ONE SIDE WITH RON, A RETIRED COP, WHO’S WEARING A USS RONALD REAGAN CAP. ANOTHER RESIDENT, VERA, APPROACHES WITH A MAN, VIKTOR. VERA IS SHORT AND TINY, VIKTOR IS MASSIVE, AND DOUR.
MAYVENE
Hi, Vera.
VERA
Mayvene, Ron, I want to introduce you to
my new boyfriend, Viktor. Viktor, this is
Mayvene and Ron.
MAYVENE
Nice to meet you, Viktor.
VICKTOR
(thick eastern European accent)
It’s “Week-tore.”
RON
Where are you from, Vik? Wick?
VIKTOR
Czechoslovakia.
MAYVENE
Oh, the Czech Republic. I am such
a fan of Vaclav Havel. (to Ron)
V-A-C-L-A-V, but pronounced VAS-lav.
VIKTOR
I pronounce it “bullshit!” Worst thing
to happen to Czechoslovakia! Him and
Reagan! Bastards!
RON
Now hold on there…
VIKTOR
Let me tell you the four things I
hate: Republicans, Jews, Iranians
and Mexicans.
MAYVENE
Welcome to California.
RON
An Iron Curtain Archie Bunker!
SHOREH ENTERS with MIRIAM, another resident. MIRIAM
is very attractive and stylishly dressed. They
approach MAYVENE’s group, carrying cups of punch.
SHOREH
Hey guys. I see Gertie is dancing
with the painter! (starts to sob)
MIRIAM
(handing her a Kleenex)
Shoreh, don’t start crying. Anyhow,
I’m convinced Randy is gay. He’s never
asked me out, and, believe me, I’ve
made it clear I’m available.
There’s a pause, as they all look at VIKTOR.
VERA is hesitant to introduce them.
VERA
Shoreh, Miriam, this is my…friend, Week-tore.
SHOREH
(trying to keep her voice steady)
Hello, Week-tore, nice to meet you.
He notices her accent.
VIKTOR
Where are you from?
SHOREH
Tehran.
VIKTOR spits on the ground.
VIKTOR
I want nothing to do with you.
SHOREH bursts into tears.
RON
(stepping forward)
Listen, jerk…
SHOREH grabs RON’s arm to stop him. VIKTOR turns
to MIRIAM and smiles.
VIKTOR
Now you’re more my type, lovely lady.
What’s your name?
MIRIAM
(flattered)
Miriam Goldfarb.
VIKTOR’S smile drops like an iron curtain. He
walks away, VERA skipping double-time after him.
MIRIAM
Was it something I said?
MAYVENE
Yes, actually. Shoreh, he spat at you.
That’s a violation of section 103-a of the
CC&R’s and you should report him.
SHOREH
(calmer)
No, no, best to just let it go.
(sniffle) He can just shish my kabob!
MIRIAM
(in a low voice to Ron)
Ron, you coming to the GTA Friday?
RON
Wouldn’t miss it. I’m going to win this time.
MIRIAM
I wouldn’t be so sure. That paramedic,
Brian, has too much inside information.
MAYVENE
What are you two talking about?
MIRIAM and RON
Nothing.
TOM ENTERS, and everyone briefly stops and stares, before starting up their conversations again. TOM goes over to chat with his mom, JOANN.
MAYVENE
What’s he doing here? I thought he was
arrested for something to do with
Bill’s death. Ron, you’re the retired cop.
What happened?
RON
Well…I’m told Bill died from some bad
Canadian prescription drugs that expired…
MIRIAM
…just like Bill.
RON
Anyhow, the investigator thinks Bill
got the stuff from Tom, But they don’t
have enough evidence.
MAYVENE
That man is trouble.
RON
I hear he’s got quite a business going on
here. Lipitor, Viagra, Xanax, you name it.
STELLA ENTERS.
STELLA
(cheerily)
Hi everyone! Your Activities Director
here! And I have a special surprise
tonight! FREEBIES!
A commotion breaks out.
GERTIE
Oooh, better than Christmas!
Stella, what are we getting?
STELLA
Well, because of ANOTHER Medicare
foul-up, or something, I’m not sure,
the Shady Oaks Nursing Home has a surplus of
old Vioxx! I have a box by the door, help
yourselves! Be pain free FOR free!
There’s a stampede to the door. MAYVENE and RON
hang back.
MAYVENE
Forget Tom’s drug dealing! Management’s
handing out banned drugs, stolen from
the Shady Oaks Nursing Home!
RON
Ah, the Golden Years.
In the uproar to grab the free Vioxx, a WOMAN falls
and is trampled.
WOMAN
Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
WOMAN #2
Quick someone call Brian at American
Ambulance!
RON
(taking out his cellphone)
I’ll call. I’ve got Brian on speed dial!
He presses the speed dial.
FADE TO BLACK
END OF ACT II
Up next: We finally learn what GTA is.
Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com
