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Dow 12,000? That’s What the Stars Say

Stocks are going up!

No they’re not, they’re going down.

astrology wheel
astrology wheel

There are no shortage of experts when it comes to Wall Street — or contradictions. You say stocks are going up—I say, SELL!

So, as the market logs its fourth straight up week, we decided the only way to solve this, short of an arm-wrestling match, was to consult the stars.

“Next week seems pretty good,” said Kaye Shinker, author of “The Textbook for Financial Astrology,” adding that the Dow could go to 9,800.

We just had a full moon yesterday and, true to form, it was good for the market. Not so much for people, though: “They’re nasty!” Shinker exclaimed of people’s behavior during a full moon. Crime goes up and people are generally unhappy.

Meanwhile, stocks jumped more than 2 percentthis week and the S&P crossed 1,000 for the first time since November, before the meltdown.

My colleague points out that the word “lunatic” actually comes from the Latin “luna” (moon), associating people’s madness with phases of the moon. For whatever reason, that insanity is good for the market!

So, the next time someone says "You're crazy!," simply reply: "Yes, but it makes me a lot of money!"

  • By the Numbers: Wall Street's Winners & Losers
  • As for the rest of the month, Shinker says we’ll hit a bump in the road on August 22, when the new moon occurs (new moon always happens two weeks after the full moon) and the emphasis of the market shifts to real estate. She said the commercial real-estate sector will likely come under pressure and major indexes may slide.

    September will also be tough, particularly when Mercury goes retrograde on Sept. 7, which will be bad for retail — particularly big-ticket items like cars and appliances.

    “I can trace car sales to Mercury in retrograde — they always go down,” she said.

    Mercury will right itself by the end of September, so September auto sales may be bad, but look for them to rebound in October.

    Overall, the prognosis for August and the rest of the year looks good for the market, with that little bump in September.

    “We’re still on a euphoric run,” Shinker said. “We’re all feeling good and hopeful.”

    “I would suspect the Dow could be at 11,000 at the end of the year — or maybe even 12,000,” Shinker said.

    She may predict market swings with her head in the stars, but when it comes to individual stocks picks, she’s got her feet firmly planted on earth, Buffettian style: She likes Amazon , because she thinks Internet sales are going to keep rocketing; Disney , because August is typically a good month for entertainment; and Nucor , because “if you melt down all those ‘clunkers,’ steel’s gonna be cheap!” she explained.

    Oh, and that Santa Claus rally at the end of the year? That may be because Santa’s a Capricorn.

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    Questions? Comments? Write to ponyblog@cnbc.com.