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If I Were Queen

This morning, a day after the world went gaga over a Royal engagment, my producing team for Worldwide Exchange in London thought it would be funny to have a split screen of me and the future queen of England.

Lapin Middleton
Lapin Middleton

Beyond any momentary laughter at a trivial stretch of a psychical resemblence, it got me thinking about the fiscal power this young woman could have to change a storied (and currently broke) nation—known for being home to The Beatles and Shakespeare but more recently austerity measures ($128 billion over 4 years) and deficit woes (10 percent of 2010-2011 GDP).

So if I were the future queen, I’d...

  • Adopt the David Cameron way of flying
  • Tell Europe to bugger off
  • Leave Ireland to wims of Darwinism
  • Make use of public buildings by making them all into tourist attractions
  • Ban multiple 15-minute work “smoking breaks"
  • Convince William to stop trying for Trident (The cold war is over, darling)
  • Market and export our fine delicacies: mushy peas and spotted dick
  • No more iced tea—Turn off all those bloody freezers to save energy
  • Cucumber sandwiches only- Meat is way too expensive
  • All jewelry should be hand-me-down
  • Only plant perennials outside the Palace
  • Get rid of the flashy BMW Metropolitan Police cars
  • Sell the "Copper's" copper to China
  • Only plant perennials outside the Palace

Oh, and I’d elope...

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