The 12 Days Of Horrible Christmas Songs
By: Not sick of holiday music yet?
This will seal the deal. I've compiled a list of the worst songs of the holidays.
First, the music industry is more relentless than ten lords a-leaping this time of year in exploiting the season with new offerings by artists.
I call it Ka-ching-le bells.
The latest entrant is Justin Bieber's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town".
It's Michael Jackson meets "So you Think You Can Dance." Yet when the Biebs starts ripping off his jacket with his eyes closed while passionately belting out, "He knows when you've been bad or good..." I don't think he's thinking of Santa.
But I've seen worse. Much, much worse.
Here's my list of what's naughty--not nice--when it comes to Christmas songs. Twelve songs for the 12 days of Christmas. I've left off the usual selections like "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" and the inexplicably popular "Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey". Instead, I've focused on hard-to-find gems which will ruin your holidays for good. You're welcome.
I'm counting them down from bad to worse.
#12: "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" by Regis Philbin, with help from Donald Trump. What starts out as a cute idea for Regis and Kelly (who's apparently mute) turns into a crime against humanity when The Donald crashes the song to: 1) take Santa's job, 2) butt heads with a reindeer, 3) break dance, 4) tell Blitzen, "You're fired."
#11: "Christmas Shoes" by Newsong. Here's what I think happened. A group of Hollywood movie and music types got in a room and said, "Hey everybody, here's how we're going to get a quick buck. Let's write the sappiest, schmaltziest, white-breadiest Christmas song ever. Ideas?" "How about a dying mother whose makeup is still fabulously applied!" "Kid without any money who loves her!" "Hard hearted Rob Lowe!" "Over the top lyrics!!" All those fantastic ideas came together in a song about a boy who wants to buy his sick mother shoes--"I want her to look beautiful, if Mama meets Jesus tonight." You gotta be kidding me. Really? In those shoes? Also, does only one guy in Newsong actually sing?
