Highly successful people are more self-aware than everyone else—how to build that trait, says Yale expert

You might feel like money or external approval can make you happy. Decades of research would quickly prove you wrong.

But unlearning that mindset isn't as easy as looking in the mirror, according to Yale University philosophy and psychology professor Tamar Gendler. The key lies in a simple trait that highly successful people share: self-awareness.

At work, self-awareness can lead to more effective communication, stronger relationships and increased creativity and productivity. For Gendler, who studies how insights from ancient scholars can solve modern problems, building the trait involves tapping into your inner Socrates.

"Socrates was willing to question everything," Gendler said on a recent podcast episode of "The Happiness Lab," hosted by her fellow Yale professor Dr. Laurie Santos.

The Greek philosopher, born around 470 B.C., was inquisitive and self-skeptical. His "Socratic method" involved responding to questions with questions, rather than direct answers, to help people better understand their own beliefs and capabilities.

It's this kind of understanding people need to become more successful and happier, Gendler said. Here are her tips for training your brain into a sharper state of self-awareness:

Gendler's first piece of advice is very literal: Imagine what Socrates himself would say.

The philosopher often operated like a persistent toddler, asking "why" in response to every single statement or question, Gendler said. Start doing the same for any belief you're trying to unlearn.

If you're trying to escape the idea that money or approval can buy happiness, ask yourself questions like: Why do you think money will make me happy? The last time you got money, what did you really feel?

Gendler pointed to a 1970s study where participants were placed on two bridges, one sturdy and one unstable. People on the unstable bridge reported that they felt more attracted to the person alongside them.

Of course, their shaky breath and quickening heartbeats weren't signs of love — they were just on a rickety bridge.

"Imagine having an inner Socrates with you on the bridge," Gendler said. He might ask: Is there any other explanation for why your palms might be sweaty? Did you notice you're standing on a bridge?

If you don't want to build a relationship with a long-gone Greek philosopher, envision having the same chat with one of your real-life friends. You might push back against something a friend says, but you probably won't do it in an accusatory way, Gendler notes.

Or, if you're completely against the idea of imaginary conversations, try practicing some mindfulness. Meditating is essentially the nonverbal equivalent of asking yourself "why" over and over, Gendler said — helping you ignore distractions and zero in on what's really going on.

Neither method is a perfect fix, because complete self-awareness is nearly impossible: We'll always have some blind spots. But simply asking why you think and feel what you do can go a long way toward unlearning beliefs that don't serve you, Gendler said.

When Gendler asks herself why she's feeling frustrated, she often finds it's because she's procrastinating on something, she said. Asking why she's procrastinating can then help her uncover underlying issues, like not knowing what the next step is.

Even those small realizations can help propel you forward.

"I never try to get all the way there all at once," Gendler said. "But Socratic questioning can help me understand what direction I need to go, to take the very next step."

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