We all care about what other people think of us to an extent, but it's possible to care too much.
As a psychotherapist, I help many people tackle social stress. If you're overly consumed about how you're perceived, it could be a sign of social anxiety disorder or social phobia.
These are some of the most common signs of general social anxiety:
- You replay past social interactions over and over in your head.
- You constantly assume that people don't like you.
- You often ruminate over what to say.
- To maintain control of your image, you hide your authentic self.
- You lie awake at night wondering how to handle a social interaction.
- You feel tension throughout your body when you should be relaxed.
- You experience a racing heart, shallow breathing, a lack of concentration, lightheadedness, or stomachaches during social interactions.
How to manage social anxiety and stop obsessing
1. Use cognitive reframing.
Situations can be interpreted a number of ways, and the first story we tell ourselves isn't always the most likely.
Cognitive reframing asks you to take your anxious thought and add an additional perspective to it. For example, maybe your thought is: "I wasn't expecting to meet my boss' spouse at the event last night, and I sounded so stupid."
Don't deny the fact that you met someone important and weren't prepared, but do add a perspective: "I was caught off guard. But since the conversation only lasted about five minutes, I probably didn't say anything outrageous. Plus, I've been put on the spot before, and everything went fine."
2. Gather evidence.
Ask yourself to prove your inner criticisms. For example, maybe your thought is, "My coworker walked by me and didn't say anything. She hates me."
If you listen to yourself, you're going to start operating from that assumption. You're going to start avoiding her, and then she might start having ill feelings towards you.
Instead, try to find compelling evidence that your inner criticism is true. Has your coworker told you something is wrong? Did someone else tell you that there's an issue between you two?
Unless you have proof, remind yourself that there is no rational evidence that she hates you, and try to operate from that belief.
3. Keep a praise folder.
Many of us are good at identifying when something needs to be corrected, but not at praising what's going well.
You can screenshot texts or emails. Create a folder on your desktop, in your email, or on your phone to store praise. Every time someone says something nice to or about you, record it in the folder.
This way, when you are feeling socially anxious, you already have some validation neatly packaged in one place, ready to remind you that the inner mean voice is just being critical.
In these moments, remember that you don't have to change yourself — just your perspective.
Jenny Maenpaa, LCSW, EdM, is a licensed therapist and founder of the Forward in Heels coaching practice.
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