Not worrying about how other people see you is easier said than done. But, if you can ditch that habit, you're likely to become much more successful, says Talia Fox.
Fox is the CEO of Kusi Global, a small Washington, D.C.-based executive coaching firm, and was a leadership fellow at the Harvard School of Public Health from 2014 to 2017. She learned how damaging worrying about others' perspectives can be from personal experience, she says.
"I had to let go of the habit of fear. I call it self-centered fear," Fox tells CNBC Make It. "Anytime I'm about to take an action, the thing that stops me from taking the action is worrying about what someone might think about me."
Two decades ago, self-centered fear put Fox on the brink of an emotional breakdown as a Master's student at Howard University. She was a single mom to a new baby, vying to excel academically and at work, and crumbling under the stress of trying to have it all together, she recently said on the Success Story podcast. The pressure built up until Fox found herself crying on the floor of her apartment stairwell while holding her infant son. In that moment, she decided to live life differently.
"Sometimes our self-centeredness ... it creates this cocktail of anxiety and stress. We want approval from people, we want to accomplish things because our parents told us to," Fox said. "I realized that it is extremely self-centered to make decisions based on fear of judgement."
That realization led to a "mindset shift [that] skyrocketed my confidence and freed me from anxiety," she says.
After working as a therapist early in her career, Fox became a leadership and public speaking coach. Living without the fear of judgment helped Fox believe more fully that she could rise to the top of her profession, giving her the "awareness that I have the power, resources and a reliable strategy to achieve worthy goals that align with who I want to be in the world," she says. She went on to become CEO at her coaching firm, a role she's held for over 20 years, according to LinkedIn.
"If you can just break through [the fear of what others think] and decide, yeah you're going to feel weird, and show up anyway, it frees up energy and it just becomes a complete game changer," Fox says.
Early on, as a Black woman in the C-suite, she had to get used to speaking her mind and being confident in her choices, despite concerns about unconscious bias, she says: "[Now], I will speak up and share unpopular ideas if I think it will help. I take risks and ask hard questions. I brainstorm with clients about innovative 'out of the box' solutions. My entire approach is completely different with this shift. Letting go keeps me in action."
How to ditch being fearful
It's normal to care about what others think of you, especially people like your family, friends or your boss — but sometimes, it can become unhealthy physically and mentally, leading to impostor syndrome and burnout. This can even escalate to social anxiety, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.
The mindset shift that Fox experienced won't necessarily happen overnight, but you can get the ball rolling by getting clear on your personal purpose and values so others' opinions hold less weight, according to Michael Gervais, a performance psychologist.
To do so, Gervais wrote for Harvard Business Review in 2019, he recommends asking yourself questions like:
- What quotes resonate with you the most?
- What are your favorite words?
- What people share the same beliefs and mindset as you?
- What are those beliefs?
"Once you've answered these questions, circle the words that stand out to you and cross out the ones that don't. After studying what's left, try to come up with a phrase or sentence that lines up with exactly who you are and how you want to live your life," Gervais wrote. "Share the draft with a loved one, ask for input, and fine-tune your philosophy from there. Then commit it to memory and return to it daily."
For the most part, Fox says she's reframed her thinking to be less fearful of judgment, though she still experiences that fear from time to time.
"Every single day, even today, in this career, I have to remind myself that it's okay," she says. "You're going to show up, do the best you can, and [if you mess up], you get another day to try again."
In life, and especially at work, Fox says she challenges others to take the reins on their success, happiness and well-being by making a conscious, intentional effort to build better habits.
"Consider defining success on your own terms, without fear of judgment or criticism..." Fox writes in her 2023 book, "The Power of Conscious Connection." "Consider defining success without the need to defend your identity. Value yourself, and the rest will follow."
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