Halloween is one of the most polarizing holidays — you either love it or you hate. Kids love Halloween because of the candy. Women love Halloween because they get to dress up in sexy outfits without being judged and men love Halloween because they get to gawk at these women wearing sexy outfits.
Halloween was never a big Wall Street event. Sure, we would "suggest" that it would be a good career move for a first-year analyst to come dressed up as a geisha from time to time. However, most of the 1 percent are too busy to think of creative costume ideas so I have compiled a list of how to dress up and what the costume says about you.
The Werewolf of Wall Street
How to dress up: This is an easy costume. Buy a wolf mask, pair it with your Armani suit and Rolex, then throw a party on your yacht. Every time you do a shot of Patrón tequila or take a quaalude, simply howl at the moon like Michael J. Fox in "Teen Wolf" or walk around the party asking girls to "sell me this pen."
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What this says about you: The werewolf symbolizes you have the animal gifts of self- reliance, endurance and intelligence but you are hiding your predatory intentions. However, remember every woman likes a challenge. The Armani suit says you are an unoriginal douche bag, but you have a sick penthouse in Tribeca, so who cares? Her friends will tell her going home with a Wall Street guy is a horror story to begin with anyway. My advice is to invite her and her friends back to your place for party favors, love bites and use Halloween as an excuse to be a little wild!
Ghost with a 2,000 thread count
How to dress up: Go to the Frette website. Buy bed sheets with a minimum of 2,000 thread count, poke a few holes for your eyes, and you are all set.
What this says about you: You are simple yet elegant. You are too busy to put a ton of time into your costume, but you only wear the best. Who else would spend $2,000 on a Halloween costume? Have them feel how soft your sheet is — and explain that sleeping on 2,000-count sheets is the best night's sleep you'll ever get. You will be the sexiest ghost since Patrick Swayze.
Sexy Janet Yellen
This is a little tough. It's definitely not as fun as sexy Ben Bernanke. Janet Yellen has unfairly been criticized for her fashion sense. She allegedly wore the same black pantsuit with black shirt combination at her swearing in as Federal Reserve chair and then a month later at a Congressional hearing. The HORROR!
How to dress up: To pull off sexy Janet Yellen, first buy a gray wig, glasses and a beige book. Then wear a black pantsuit and gold chain. However, don't wear a full-sleeve black shirt underneath like her. Instead, pull a Sue Ellen Mischke from Seinfeld and wear a black bra underneath your jacket as a top. This outfit will be sure to earn you the coveted nickname, "loose monetary policy."
What this says about you: Any woman can pull off sexy nurse, sexy cop or sexy nun. However, not many can dress up as the world's most powerful economist, and make it sexy. This shows you are a unique woman and you are up for a challenge. Trying shows that you are a woman who isn't afraid to take chances. You are a powerful woman that likes to take charge.
Tell your man prey, "You are coming home with me, because I need help with my balance sheet." He will have no choice but to oblige.
Lloyd Vader
Goldman Sachs and its CEO Lloyd Blankfein have been referred to by many as the "Death Star" of global capitalism. So why not go as a mash-up of Blankfein and Darth Vader?
How to dress up: Buy Darth Vader outfit complete with the black cape. However, don't worry about the mask. Wear a Dr. Evil mask or just a bald cap and you are all set.
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What it says about you: This costume says you may work at the Death Star but you have a sense of humor. You are rich and can laugh at yourself. It also shows you are a guy who doesn't just want to conquer the world, you want to conquer the galaxy. You're ambitious. This also says you are smart because you attended an Ivy League or similar school like Yoda College.
Bonus: Sometimes women can get scared off by divorced men with kids. If you dress up as Darth, you're signaling you have no relationship with your son, Luke. More time for her!
The homeless billionaire
Why not go as Nicolas Berggruen, the "homeless billionaire," who sold pretty much everything he owned and lived in hotels for a long time.
How to dress up: Wear a nice Barney's suit but buy it from the warehouse sale. Don't iron it. Sit in the corner of the party but don't drink a 40 from a paper bag, drink Louis XIII Brandy out of a sniffer. Also, have a cup to beg with but don't fill it with pocket change. Fill it up with cuff links, Bitcoins and rolled up $100 bills. Complete the outfit with a cardboard sign that says , "PLEASE HELP! NEED A TAX SHELTER."
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What this says about you: I have no idea but this is what I am going to dress up as for Halloween.
Try any of these five and you are sure to be a hit at your Halloween party. However, if you really have no time simply put on a suit, drink 5 Red Bulls, yell "Booyah!!" and you can be Jim Cramer.
Commentary by Raj Malhotra (Raj Mahal is his stage name), a former Wall Street trader-turned-stand-up-comedian. He has worked at Wall Street firms covering three continents, including at Bank of America, BNP Paribas and Nomura. He draws from his unique ethnic background and Wall Street career to entertain audiences nightly, highlighting the struggles of the 1 percent. He can be seen at Gotham Comedy Club, Broadway Comedy Club, NY Comedy Club, Greenwich Village Comedy Club, and the Tribeca Comedy Lounge. Follow him on Twitter @RajMahalTweets.
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