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Fake Jane To Rescue Allergan

Fake Jane
CNBC.com photo composite
Fake Jane

It is with much concern that Fake Jane reads that Allergan disappointed the street this morning with its earnings report. Allergan is Fake Jane's favorite company. Even though earnings and sales were up double digits--sales topping a billion dollars for the first time in one quarter--the outlook is below street expectations, and an important drug trial failed.

So, as blogged yesterday, Fake Jane will will be using her tax rebate to help save Allergan! She lives for the company's number one product--Botox. Sure, Botox is fighting efforts by Public Citizen to force the FDA to put warnings on Botox boxes suggesting it may have potential fatal side effects. This has not been proven, and Fake Jane doesn't really care! She's fake! Botox sales were pretty good in the fourth quarter, up 24 percent to $340 million, and up 23 percent for the year at $1.2 billion, nearly a third of the company's total income. That's a lot of shots.

Also of interest to Fake Jane is Allergan's "breast aesthetics" sector (can't we just say "implants"?). Sales here were up 38 percent for the quarter and 68 percent for the year! However, the company is only forecasting about 14 percent growth for 2008, in part because it's closing an implant facility in Ireland and moving production to Costa Rica. Well, duh. I mean, Fake Jane would much rather have a Costa Rican bust than the Irish one she inherited.

Meantime, the company reports a glaucoma drug it hoped to market failed to work better than a placebo in trials. Fake Jane will worry about glaucoma later. She's more interested in the deal the company has signed with Clinique to sell specialized skin care products.

Fake women of America... we must unite to keep these companies thriving in any economic downturn! It is better to look good than to look real. Judge for yourself with the results of Fake Jane's miraculous make-over.

CNBC.com photo composite

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  • Based in Los Angeles, Jane Wells is a CNBC business news reporter and also writes the Funny Business blog for CNBC.com.

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