'Failing fast' is the key to dating, says relationship therapist—here's why

If you want to find a long-term partner you might want to get used to the idea of ending things early and often.

"Part of dating is the idea of failing fast," says Lisa Bobby, psychologist and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver, Colorado.

This doesn't mean dismissing people who don't seem like a perfect match, Bobby says. It just means being more upfront with who you are, and ready to let go of those who don't appreciate you.

"Be very clear about who you are and very authentic in the way you show up," she says. 

The point of a date is not to get someone to like you, but to understand whether you and this person are compatible. 

"A big mistake people make when they are dating is they become very into image management," Bobby says. "They want to be liked. They are presenting themselves in a way that will be appealing to others." 

Months later when the hidden parts of themselves emerge it "feels difficult to deal with" for both parties, Bobby says.

Not only will this help you weed out those who aren't a good match, but being yourself is more attractive to potential partners: 93% of Hinge users prefer to date someone who is emotionally vulnerable, according to the app's data. 

84% said they wanted to better know a person's values, 65% want to know about their feelings, and 63% want to hear about relationship hopes and fears.

Curating your personality to please others will only work in the short-term. 

"The more you can be yourself in the very beginning and not focus on being pleasing to others, you are going to know much more quickly if you are on a first date with someone who doesn't love your way of being," Bobby says.

Treat dating like a job interview, she says: "Tell yourself, 'I'm not here to have you like me. I'm here because I want to find my person and I don't know if you're my person and you don't know if I'm your person so how do we figure that out."

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