6 signs you're ruminating on your ex—and how to stop, according to a relationship psychologist

Following a breakup, it is natural to do a postmortem on the relationship. Examining what worked and what didn't can even be healthy.

But when your reflecting starts negatively affecting how you spend your time, treat others and view yourself, it crosses into the more damaging territory of rumination.

Rumination is "obsessional thinking involving excessive, repetitive thoughts on themes that interfere with other forms of mental activity," according to the American Psychological Association.

With an ex, this might look like replaying memories or fixating on fights to an extent that renders you unable to move on or think about much else.

Even if you're no longer in contact with your ex, consistent, intrusive thoughts can keep part of the relationship alive, says Lisa Marie Bobby, psychologist and founder of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver.

"Adults form attachment bonds through their thoughts," Bobby says. "With rumination, part of the danger is it's very actively maintaining that attachment bond because you have that person on your mind all the time." 

Ruminating on an ex is more about our need for survival than our affection for that specific person, Bobby says.

Evolutionarily, we are wired to be social and mate. Losing a partner triggers the same survival instincts our brain deploys when we're in physical danger. 

"You break your arm and there is this pain signal that is coming from your body that says, 'I'm hurt, pay attention to me, I need to be healed,'" Bobby says. "Ruminating is your mind's way of showing you that there is an emotional injury that needs to be healed." 

This response has nothing to do with how healthy or happy your relationship was. 

"This is the body's way of saying, 'we have to reconnect,' whether or not that person is good for us," she says. "Even if we established, intellectually, the relationship needed to end, even if we are the ones who did the breaking up."

Many people can mistake rumination for desire, Bobby adds. "Having the experience of ruminating is in no way, shape or form the same thing as love," she says.

A sign you've transitioned from simply thinking about your ex to ruminating on them is if your behavior and mood is impacted by these thoughts, says Pamela Larkin, a therapist who specializes in relationships.

Here are six indicators you might be hyper-fixated on your ex.

1. You don't feel like you have control over your thoughts 

Seeing an old picture of you and a past partner can unlock a floodgate of memories, even if you've completely healed from the breakup.

If you're ruminating, though, you don't need a picture to start thinking about your relationship. "The thoughts come up out of nowhere," Larkin says. "It's not necessarily triggered by an event that has occurred. It feels very random." 

2. Any free time is filled with thoughts about your ex 

If your ex is the first thing you think about when you wake up or a fight you two had is on a loop when you're commuting into the office, you might be ruminating.

"Basically, any time there is some empty space where your mind isn't consumed, if you're thinking about your ex, you're ruminating," Larkin says. 

3. You constantly check their social media 

Compulsively looking for updates about their life on platforms like Instagram and Facebook is another sign of rumination.

4. You want to bump into them

You likely have a carousel of activities that remind you of your previous relationship. You don't have to stop doing them, but you might find yourself going to a specific restaurant or walking a particular route in hopes of seeing them.

"Is there a park you always used to go to during your lunch hour and you find yourself continuing to go to that park in hopes you'll run into that person?" Larkin says. 

5. Your friends bring up how much you talk about them

If you're thinking about your ex all day, every day, you're probably talking about them more than you think. "Your family and friends can let you know if you're ruminating," Larkin says. 

6. You compare any potential or current partners to your ex

Not all comparisons are bad, Larkin says. "There is an appropriate level of wanting to make sure you don't repeat certain patterns," she says. Maybe you and your past partner didn't share some core values. This is good to keep in mind when you start dating again.

If you're ruminating, though, you're comparing actions or traits that don't really matter, Larkin says. You might think things like, "They don't make coffee the way my ex did" or "They arrange the dishwasher differently from my ex." 

"That can really stifle your ability to see the new person," Larkin says. 

Rumination has been linked to both anxiety and depression. And, like Bobby says, the more you think about an ex, the less likely you'll be able to sever that attachment bond. 

If you recognize that you've been ruminating, there are actions you can take to curb your replaying negative experiences or thoughts.

• Pick up a hobby: Pursue a goal you felt you never had time to work toward and dedicate time to achieving it. "It can be as big as going back to school or as small as teaching yourself how to cook," Larkin says. After one breakup, Larkin signed up for a half-marathon. "That is an example of distracting, but distracting with a purpose," she says. 

• Set aside rumination time: One way to cope with ruminating thoughts is to carve out time for them, Larkin says. Set a timer for 10 or 15 minutes during which you can think about your ex, guilt-free.  "Maybe do some journaling or reflect on a couple questions relating to this relationship, but once the timer goes off, you're done," she says. This allows you to hold space for your feelings but not let them consume you. 

Remember that there is no shortcut to healing from a past relationship, Bobby says. And rumination is just part of that undertaking.

"There is a lot of shame and beating yourself up because you are ruminating and you can't stop," Bobby says. "You feel like there is something wrong with you, and like you should just be able to be done."

But breaking up, she says, "is a process, not an event." 

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