No one is immune from stress. Whether it's an impending work deadline, an unexpected travel fiasco, or a heated argument with your significant other — we all have to deal with pressure and conflict.
In my coaching practice, I help founders and executives cultivate resilience. They all encounter a great deal of stress, and processing that stress is critical for smart decision-making.
The No. 1 habit I see in my most resilient clients is the ability to shift their stress response from "fight-or-flight" to "tend-and-befriend."
Ditch fight-or-flight for tend-and-befriend
We all know about fight-or-flight — the stress response that can occur when we encounter a perceived threat, like a 15-minute calendar invite from your boss titled "Performance."
Our bodies go into high alert and our sympathetic nervous system is activated. This response was extremely helpful when threats were physical, but it is far less so when threats are cognitive or social. You can't punch your boss or run away from their feedback.
But social scientists have uncovered a different and equally important stress response called "tend-and-befriend," which focuses on caring for others and reaching out to strengthen social connections. It might mean turning to a partner team when your project (or theirs) has a setback, picking something up for a neighbor with a new baby, or texting a friend to see if you can vent for a bit after a bad day.
Cultivating this alternative response can bolster your resilience in the face of stress.
6 ways to strengthen your "tend-and-befriend" muscle
Even if you instinctively find yourself falling into the adrenaline and cortisol rush of fight-or-flight during a stressful period, you can still take conscious steps to reap the benefits of tend-and-befriend.
Here are a few ways to take action in the moment as well as in times of relative calm, when you can proactively inoculate yourself against stress by investing in tend-and-befriend activities.
1. Gather others affected by the threat
If rumors of layoffs have spread through your department, for example, you can organize an impromptu call or private group chat to bring people together. Just like huddling together in a literal storm, knowing you're not alone can strengthen your psychological resolve to weather a figurative one, like dealing with the possibility of losing your job.
2. Hug, cuddle, or self-soothe
Engaging in positive touch through hugs and cuddles with loved ones or even furry friends can dramatically reduce the distress of a negative situation. Touch has been shown to release calming neurochemicals like oxytocin and endorphins. If there's no one within arm's reach you feel safe enough to hug, you can always use self-soothing touch to access some of these benefits.
3. Schedule recurring catch-up calls
Staying connected to people you care about seems to get harder with each passing year. Consider pre-arranging a dedicated time — say a Monday evening or Friday lunchtime — when you and a close friend or family member will get together in person or catch up virtually. Even if you're doing the latter, you can take the call while going for a walk outside for some mood-boosting exercise and sunlight.
4. Join a peer support group
Find a membership group like Sidebar (I'm in one!) or Chief (which focuses on women) where you can bring personal or professional challenges and seek suggestions and support. You also get to experience the psychological benefits of helping other members through their problems and difficulties.
5. Mentor or teach
Speaking of the positive impact of supporting others, consider finding programs where you can offer your wisdom and expertise to folks earlier in their journey — like Merit (early career tech) or PeerForward (rising high school seniors).
6. Put the 'social' back in social media
Social media gets a bad rap these days because of our tendency to scroll endlessly through content we don't truly care about. But recently, I've found that entering my feeds with the intention of leaving positive comments on my friends' posts have strengthened those relationships and made the Internet just a little bit more warm.
Jason Shen, the Outlier Coach, helps founders and executives lead with resilience through hard pivots in their business and careers as CEO of Refactor Labs. An alum of Stanford University and Y Combinator, he is a three-time startup founder and the author of "The Path to Pivot."
Want to land your dream job in 2024? Take CNBC's new online course How to Ace Your Job Interview to learn what hiring managers are really looking for, body language techniques, what to say and not to say, and the best way to talk about pay. CNBC Make It readers can save 25% with discount code 25OFF.
Plus, sign up for CNBC Make It's newsletter to get tips and tricks for success at work, with money and in life.
