As a parenting researcher and mother of three, one of the most important lessons I've learned is that our kids can doubt our unconditional love for them because of the subtle, and not-so-subtle, messages they receive from us about success.
For example, you might truly believe that a child's effort is more important than their grade. But that's not the message they'll receive if the first thing you say to them when they get home from school is, "How did you do on your Spanish quiz?"
This emphasis can be felt by our kids as "perceived parental criticism," and it is linked to poor mental health outcomes in kids. Knowing this has made me more mindful of the words I use with my teens, who are now 18, 16, and 14. Here are five phrases I never say:
1. 'Your job is to be a student'
High-achieving kids don't get many chances to feel useful to anyone but themselves. Too often, they are singularly focused on building up their resumes to get ahead.
For our kids to thrive, they must know how to contribute to their broader community.
With that in mind, my family has a volunteer mandate. It might sound like an oxymoron, but it's a way to show my kids that they possess a talent or skill that they can use to add value to the world.
It might be helping out a local organization that is close to their heart, or checking in on a neighbor. I want them to understand that they have so much more to offer the world than a high GPA.
2. 'Have you heard from any colleges yet?'
I don't allow stressful college discussions to seep into our daily conversations. We schedule them instead. One psychologist I interviewed for my book, "Never Enough," said she confined conversations about college to Sundays from 3 pm to 4 pm during her son's junior year.
Now that my son is going through college admissions, we've adopted that same standing appointment in our house. It has opened our family up to reduce the tension, enjoy the rest of the week and focus on the other important things in his life.
3. 'Did you get a grade back on that history paper?'
I never want my kids to think that their academic performance is what matters most to me, or that their grades define them. So when my kids get home from school, I lead with a more general and innocuous question like, "What did you have for lunch today?"
I've found that a low-key opening like this actually leads to more in-depth conversations with my kids about social dynamics, friendships, health and well-being.
4. 'I want to see you give 100% in everything'
At home, I've turned my focus to what I call "wise striving," or as child psychologist Lisa Damour explains it, teaching my kids how to be energy efficient.
In our house, we are in constant conversation about what it means to be a "good student." It's not giving everything 100%. That's what can lead to burnout and feed perfectionistic tendencies. Instead, it's learning to be strategic about where you spend your energy.
As Damour once told me, quoting a colleague: "The difference between getting a 91% and a 99% is a life."
5. 'I just want you to be happy'
Of course, I do want my kids to be happy and fulfilled — but sometimes I think that sentiment can be misconstrued and encourage people to selfishly only look out for number one.
I know I am happiest when I feel valued and add value to others. I want to impart that lesson to my children.
I often tell them that I want them to find people and places in the world that need their help. Not to be better than others, but to be better for others, as the Jesuit saying goes.
That's how we live a life of meaning and purpose.
Ultimately, I've realized that my job is to help my kids lead with their strengths, understand what they are good at, what matters to them, and how they can make a real impact.
Jennifer Wallace is an award-winning journalist and author of the New York Times bestseller "Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It." She lives in New York City with her husband and three teens. You can follow her on Instagram @jenniferbrehenywallace.
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